Attention America
It is a dangerous illusion that terrorists are not plotting, or rather, terrorists are not plotting a dangerous illusion.
What was that? I didn’t catch it. That’s the wrong remote.
And outlaw regimes are no threat to us but we’re building a wall at the southern border so expecting Mexicans can’t break water on our soil sneak into public schools carpool grow California or God forbid scrub scum from the sink
I don’t speak Spanish, ese.
Policemen scare me more than the homeless muttering under slouched spines to phantoms from amphetamine dreams. In tune with the grime and whistle of BART, unlike their badged and sunglassed counterparts, authoritarians all
These methods are good for hunting criminals, they are even more important for hunting terrorists. (Applause.)
This machine kills fascists.
I wear dark lenses over my contacts to avoid eying potential terrorists on the bus. PSA mounted
Whadda heyl you think you lookin’ at? Excuse you I ainnah here f’ yo ennatainment.
When I was five, you told me invisible with justice for all, but everyone still knows I’m white.
My productive days are tragic.
Key provisions of the Patriot Act are set to expire next year.
The terrorist threat will not expire on that schedule.
(Applause.)
Our law enforcement needs
You need to renew the Patriot Act. (Applause.)
You need to bleach your teeth.
You need a lock on your door and a sawed off double barrel shotgun
Colonel Qadhafi correctly judged that his country would be better off and far more secure without weapons of mass murder
chaos and carnage.
You need TiVo.
My to do list consumed the monster under my bed.
I can’t breathe and modern medicine is speechless.
Do you know for how many hours Sami was interrogated?
I only read magazines in the gym and on planes.
We refuse to live in the shadow of this ultimate danger. (Applause.)
America, it snowed in Los Angeles and the Brugmancia in the back yard was dead when I woke up.
In 1988 I woke up singing every morning.
In 1989 I woke up wondering when the earth would stop shaking, demanding answers.
America if you’re so alarmed, unplug your clock and get out of bed already.
America your freedom fighter is my aborted fetus toting a weapon
My faggot son pledging allegiance with his swollen, bitten tongue
America you told my mother she could do it all, but you forgot the part about sleeping two hours a night gaining weight losing eyesight and resenting men.
Your ambition is admirable, but I still gag at the bulges of cellulite on your thighs.
You’ve convinced me to shoot amateur porn in the basement.
America Mostafa Tabatabainejad gave me tinnitus.
America George Allen believes in social evolution.
America Ashley is not getting older, get used to it, get Botox, it’s cheaper.
I never thought OJ meant orange juice.
I blame the Internet.
My transfer expires in twenty minutes and I’ve been standing here since 6:12.
America, hurry up, it’s getting hot out here.
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