Mallrats
“Let’s go to the Mall of America,” Steve says.
So we drive down and park in the parking garage level Florida. We enter the mall through the glass doors that read “Guns not allowed in these premises.”
CHOOSE YOUR OWN ENDING:
-For those of you that enjoy the Travel Channel, choose A
-For those of you that like Ashton Kutcher, choose B
-For those of you that like Barnum & Bailey, choose C
Warning: Read only one of the endings, otherwise your eyes will fall out of your sockets
A)
We walk past the Lego and American Eagle stores and notice the mall cops giving a guy a hard time. I hate mall cops. They think they’re so high and mighty with their batons and stupid hats. Steve walks into the restroom, while I’m waiting outside.
Shit. The cops are approaching me.
“What are you doing,” they ask.
Nothing. Just walking around.
“Here come with us.”
What the hell. I didn’t do anything.
I am handcuffed and taken downstairs to their headquarters. I’ve seen this section of the mall before on a special of the MOA on TV. This is where they take and lock up all the thieves and trouble-makers. But why was I here? I’m not one of those.
The cops walk me towards the end of the hall and stop next to a door with a security guard stationed outside. I’m thrown into a white, windowless room with another guy already in there. He’s Hispanic and wearing raggedy clothes.
“Whatcha in here for, Homes?” he says.
Not sure.
“Damn pigs.”
So what are you in here for?
“I got in a lil fight and coppers stuck me in here.”
How long have you been here?
“2 days.”
Shit. So what do you do to pass the time?
“I dig. Need to get outta here.” He shows me the progress he’s made in the wall.
“By the end of tonight, I’ll be out.”
Isn’t this too drastic. I mean they’ll let you out soon.
“Haha. You don’t know shit. These cops. They ruthless.”
Where does the hole lead to?
“Don’t know…but outta here.”
And what are using to dig?
“I got a pick.”
So I decide to join his little scheme. When he’s tired, he hands over the pick to me and vice versa.
The hole’s getting larger. We finally see some light. This only leads to us digging more furiously.
After a total of 3 hours digging, we have enough space to get out. I’m first. Ah! The fresh air of freedom. Suddenly, I am tackled by my jail mate. He cuffs both my hands and sits on my back. Other cops with canines are running towards us.
“Nice work, Hector,” one of the cops says. “Here’s your badge and baton.”
“Thanks,” says Hector.
“Why were you trying to escape,” they ask me. “If you were innocent, you’d have nothing to hide, and you wouldn’t try to escape. Now you’re going to be locked up for a long time.”
(Pointing at Hector) But…but you said that the cops were ruthless.
B)
Steve and I head towards the Banana Republic because Steve needs new jeans. Steve quickly finds a couple of pairs that he likes.
“Look for 33 x 32,” he says.
How about these?
“No, too dark?”
And these?
“No, too light?”
One of the employees walks towards us. “Need any help,” she asks.
“Yeah. I’d like to try these on,” Steve says.
“Here…right this way.”
She directs us to the fitting rooms.
“Remember. Buy one pair of jeans, get the second pair half off,” she exclaims.
I’m standing outside of Steve’s room and we’re talking while he’s trying on the jeans.
He settles on the 2 pairs that he likes and we head over to the counter. Steve pays the cashier and receives his receipt. All of a sudden balloons drop from the ceiling and sirens go off. The manager comes out and screams into a microphone “You’re our one millionth customer. Congratulations. You just won $10,000. Steve laughs hysterically. He dances and kisses everyone in sight, even me.
“This can’t be happening. This isn’t real. I think I’m hyperventilating.”
Well, apparently he is correct. Joy turns into humility.
A different lady approaches Steve with a microphone.
“You’re on candid camera.”
C)
We decide to go back to our childish roots and play the Glow-in-the-dark Laser Game in the amusement park. However, the dark ghosts don’t frighten us this time. When it is all said and done, I win. Just like old times. Steve, quite furious that he lost, wants a rematch.
Only if you pay for me.
“Ok.”
So we try it again and again I win.
“Should’ve had you. One more?”
No. Come on.
“What are you a chicken?”
Oh, it’s on. When will people learn, don’t talk smack if you can’t back it up. Steve has known me since we were babies. He knows how competitive I get. Armed and focused, I proceed to pummel Steve’s score.
Now we done?
“Yeah,” he says sheepishly.
All that domination made me thirsty. A lemonade sounds delicious, so we walk towards the lemonade stand.
Five bucks for a lemonade. What a rip off. What ever happened to the days when young kids would sell lemonade on the corner for a quarter?
Soon after all the complaining, I am alarmed to hear the screams of a little boy. I look up and spot the boy dangling off the edge of the Ferris Wheel.
“Someone help him,” the mom cries.
All the years of gymnastics has paid off just for this one moment. Like a monkey, I swiftly climb up the wheel and reach the boy.
Wrap your hands around my neck.
He does and we slowly descend down the wheel to safety.
Here you go mam.
“Why thank you. Thank you.”
News outlets storm the mall to hear this story. Interviews last for 2 hours. The CEO of the park even stops by and presents me with a $1,000 shopping spree. Right as Steve and I are about to leave, an odd man approaches us.
“I saw what you did. Truly amazing.”
Thank you.
“How would you like to join the circus?”
Ummm….I don’t think so.
“I’ll give you $40,000.”
Sold.
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