|
Two strangers who get to know each other
by sharing a dorm room don't always become good friends. But
when they do, well, life is rich.
Ask alumni about their most
vivid college memories and 10-to-1 they are more likely to
recall a good friend than an outstanding class. The pairing
of roommates is done by Residential Life and may be the most
eagerly awaited mail of the summer among new students. Once
on campus, roommates may become the best of friends or simply
share space. Jan Shaw-Flamm '76 talked with three pairs of
students who met as first-years to find out what makes chance
roommates into steadfast friends.
Ndeye Diago Dieye '07
Dakar, Senegal • Majors: economics,
Japanese
Elianne Farhat '07
Minneapolis • Majors: political
science, geography
Lived together in Dupre 321 and George Draper Dayton
112
|
'I had prejudices
against Americans in general. Getting to know her and
her family better proved to me, once again, that prejudices
are always wrong.' |
|
. "I
think we're both ready to take on the world--particularly
the world-less-traveled," Elianne says.
|
How are you different?
Diago: Elianne is Americano-Lebanese; I
am Senegalese. She hated math; I loved it. She is Christian;
I am Muslim.
Elianne: Diago has a much more worldly
background than I do. She grew up in Dakar, went to a UWC
[United World College] boarding school in Wales, came to study
at Macalester and [then] studied abroad in Japan....I grew
up in Northeast Minneapolis in an immigrant Lebanese community,
and I had visited Lebanon sometimes with my family, but mainly
traveled within the U.S. [At this writing, Elianne was spending
seven months in Amman, Jordan.] I've always been jealous of
her globetrotting life, particularly because she's done it
on her own intelligence and merit.
What has been the greatest source of conflict?
Diago: I got mad at Elianne because she
always woke me up after I'd gone to bed. She went to bed late
and I had to wake up early. I am a light sleeper, so anything
can wake me up. Mornings were payback times, so I'd make as
much noise as I could....I don't remember exactly how we resolved
the issue, but it was resolved for sure, since we roomed the
following year, too.
Elianne: Neither of us is prone to dramatics
and, for the most part, we're pretty easygoing....She basically
has a much more regular schedule than I do--I sleep late,
get up when I need to, skip meals, etc. Diago's like clockwork
most of the time.
What do you have in common?
Diago: I enjoyed hanging out with her a
lot; she has a very calming and balancing personality, and
it was always fun to dress up on weekends and go around campus
looking for parties.
Elianne: I think we're both ready to take
on the world--particularly the world-less-traveled. We have
most things in common. Except for Celine Dion--she's all Diago's.
What have you learned from each other?
Elianne: I love how Diago is not afraid--or
at least doesn't show her fear. She sees something she wants
and she goes for it. Seeing her "push the limits"
has been a great motivation for me.
Diago has helped me expand the narrow vision I [had] of Muslims.
Narrow, not in the sense of prejudice, but narrow in the sense
that I only knew of Middle Eastern Muslims. It has been good
for me to expand that knowledge, and it's been great to participate
in some prayers and iftaar [the meal that
breaks the daily fast during Ramadan].
Also, I [took French] and Diago was a big help. She's not
only taught me about the French language, but it's been great
just talking to her...about Senegalese and broader African
culture. We have a very good mutual friend from Ghana, and
when the two of them get together, it's like putting a loud
Southerner and an outspoken Yankee in the same room.
Diago: Just observing Elianne, I learnt
that it was possible to study hard and still have a fun college
experience. I still don't know how she managed it. She wasn't
the kind of person that would study for hours and hours, but
I know she always got good grades. I guess that's what it
means to be smart.
Before coming to the U.S., though I went to an international
high school where there were Americans, I had prejudices against
Americans in general. Getting to know her and her family better
proved to me, once again, that prejudices are always wrong.
Also, she used to explain to me basic stuff like why I should
use cold water to wash my colored clothes or more serious
stuff like the controversy over Bush's victory over Al Gore
in 2000.
 |
|
'I was only 5 when [we became a] democracy. I'm much
more pro-American. Tim is more critical of Bush and
politics.'
|
"Paul and I have
a trust that's unspoken, but very visible," Tim
says. "Even when we really disagree, [it's OK because]
this is Paul."
|
Paul Bisca '08
Timisoara, Romania • Majors:
international studies,
political science
Tim Lee '08
Eugene, Ore. • Major: chemistry
Lived together in Doty 309 and Wallace 107
What was your first impression of each other?
Tim: I had an immediate first impression--he's
taller than I am.
Paul: He's a rugby player, twice as strong
as I am.
How are you different?
Paul: Tim carries around these major chemistry
books. I talk about [nation] states.
Tim: It's good we don't share fields of
study; our personalities would skirmish. We have respect for
each other's knowledge.
There are differences in how we were raised. Paul grew up
in a former Communist state with a more controlled lifestyle
that makes him more driven. Our motivations are black and
white. I'm very hoopla, hippy, very relaxed.
Paul: I was only 5 when [we became a] democracy.
I'm much more pro-American. Tim is more critical of Bush and
politics. I didn't lack anything in Romania, but I did experience
transition and disappointments in the process [of moving to
democracy]. It's the way we were--50 years in a cage and overnight
it's gone and you're let loose.
What have you learned from each other?
Paul: I learned to become more considerate.
As an only child, I didn't have to worry about other people
so much. Tim is a very good listener and I learned to be a
better listener. He's very good at reading people. It's one
thing to understand another [person], it's another to empathize--Tim
does that.
Tim: I learned to be more ambitious and
grateful. I'm from a pretty privileged family. I knew going
to college was a big deal, but I never appreciated what an
opportunity this is.
My parents were both international students. Paul, being an
international student, gives me a different perspective [on
their experience]. He's here to work, to get good grades and
go to grad school....My dad is from Singapore, my mom from
Indonesia. They met at the University of Oregon. Dad said,
"Remember the bottom line is you're going here to study,"
but I didn't get it....Now I get it.
Paul: Our parents make the most worthy investment
in sending us to school. I'm going to maximize this privilege.
It's an opportunity to internalize different values, to make
every moment count. Tim looks more for life experience, but
whenever he's around, he's always with a thick chemistry book.
Why does your friendship work?
Tim: There's a certain openness in our
relationship. I'm more outspoken and extroverted. Paul realized
the function of roommates and how to make the most of it.
Paul: If I don't like what [Tim is] doing,
we get it out in the open....There is an openness and a transparency
in our relationship.
Tim: Paul and I have a trust that's unspoken,
but very visible. Even when we really disagree, [it's OK because]
this is Paul.
Paul: I feel the same way. [You need to]
get the context right and the basic rules right. See the specific
political language I'm using? Once the paradigm is internalized....
Tim: If our relationship is any kind of
model, it's because he's international. There's a big gap
between the international and the domestic students....Mac
students need to take advantage....It's very important that
domestic students try to know international students.
Paul: This divide is...understandable,
but it should be changed. In Romania, there is more time [for
things like friendship]; it's more easygoing. Here everything
goes fast.
 |
|
'Unbeknownst to our parents, these
four people from distinctly different cultures were
exactly alike.'
|
"We laugh
all the time around each other. Madeline tells the best
stories ever," Betsy says.
|
Elizabeth (Betsy)
Engebretson '07
Bozeman, Mont. • Majors: Russian,
geography
Tuong-Vi (Madeline)
Nguyen '07
Burnsville, Minn. • Majors: biology,
emphasis in neurobiology and psychology
Lived together in Doty 200 and Grand Cambridge Apartments
How are you different?
Madeline: I am Vietnamese, first-generation
American. My parents left their small village outside of Saigon,
Vietnam, in the spring of 1975. I was born in Burnsville,
Minnesota, the only daughter with three older brothers. My
parents are still in Burnsville. Betsy is a white American
with predominantly Scottish and Norwegian ancestors.
Betsy: Madeline goes to bed before me and
wakes up before me. I wake up with just enough time to get
to class. She lives in Olin-Rice [Science Center] and I avoid
it....Madeline knows the area and the city well. I never lived
in a big city. In her first e-mail before we were roommates,
she wrote that she came from a small town in Minnesota, so
I'm thinking "small town," but she's from Burnsville
[a Twin Cities suburb]. I grew up in McAllister, Montana,
which is literally a bar and a post office. I lived there
until I was 12, and my parents have moved back.
Madeline: In our first year, Betsy was
much more active in Macalester org[anization] life. She participated
in Pluralism and Unity, Amnesty International, MacDems and
a few other clubs. I, on the other hand, was trying to keep
my head afloat with my classes and Mac women's crew team.
I am also very goal-oriented and I know that I want to be
a doctor, while Betsy is still a bit unsure what she wants
to do after she graduates....Betsy is very outspoken in her
opinions regarding her liberal politics. I, on the other hand,
am probably more moderate and prefer to listen to others'
opinions on current politics.
What has been the greatest source of conflict?
Madeline: Betsy and I have not had much
in the way of conflict. Betsy is pretty easygoing, and I try
not to be a nagging hen, so it works out well pretty much
most of the time.
Betsy: No major conflicts....Madeline is
neater than I am, so I feel that my messiness can be a source
of conflict.
What do you have in common?
Betsy: We do like the same kind of music,
mostly indie rock. Our first year we went to a Bob Dylan concert
and to [the band] O.A.R. together and we saw Rent
together....We proofread each other's papers. We
read War and Peace in our First-Year Course,
and if that does not bring two people closer together, what
will?
Madeline: Betsy and I love to laugh and
make other people laugh.
Betsy: We laugh all the time around each
other. We're always in hysterics. Madeline tells the best
stories ever and has great nerdy science
humor.
Madeline: We both love the great outdoors.
Both being from small towns, we have a great longing to travel
and see the world.
After
the initial interviews, Madeline e-mailed to say that she
and Betsy had been discussing this story and had this
to add:
Being from different cultures, Betsy and I have had continuing
conversations on race and identity; however, for us more meaningful
were the times we spent with each other's family. Betsy has
made the perilous trip to the suburbs to dine with my family
on my mother's excellent fried rice. And my family has traveled
to Montana to see Betsy and her parents. This first contact
proved hilarious for Betsy and me. Unbeknownst to our parents,
these four people from distinctly different cultures were
exactly alike. Our mothers were lively talkers, in love with
their dogs, while our fathers simply sat back and quietly
listened.
|
