The psychological and neurological literature on alcohol was massive, confusing, and boring. As a studious group, we pressed onward and managed to decipher a few sources that we felt were of the highest possible quality. But that wasn't good enough. We were not satisfied.

No, we finally decided that our research was lacking something. No matter how much we read, no matter how much we pondered our knowledge, something was missing. Personal experience, we thought. And so we set out to become part of the research.

Armed with federal student loan money, we procured as much alcohol as we could legally purchase without a distribution permit. Then we went to the dorms and locked ourselves in for a night of research. As scientists, we were careful to document our experiences, and several incidents of note are presented below.

5:23 PM.

Research began approximately three hours prior. Our team began with the intention of "sampling" each variety of alcohol purchased. Unfortunately, the sampling led to more sampling, and within a few hours we were thoroughly intoxicated.

 

7:19 PM.

Our alcohol supply had dwindled. We hypothesized that someone was stockpiling what little remained, and we set a trap. Sure enough, one of our colleagues was attempting to do his own research in an effort to put his name first on our published findings. The problem was quickly rectified in a professional manner. The researcher in question was sanctioned.

 

10:43 PM.

The research was a success. One of our team remained conscious long past the others, and it is believed that he performed his own set of tests on the other disabled researchers. This is just speculation, however, as he cannot remember his own actions that night, and the rest of our team was unconscious. Nude pictures of our group members appearing on the internet soon after provided some intense speculation, however. Litigation is pending.