There's an old Russian Proverb that reads, "There will be trouble if the cobbler starts making pies." Lord knows, my people know what they're talking about. After all, they are responsible for the creation of the mouth-watering Canned Fish in Tomato dish.

Nevertheless, when it comes to the world of cinema, who really is to be the judge? If I want to see Gary Coleman cross over from my 16-inch TV screen to the glamorous world of Hollywood, who's to say that he should stick to what he's good at (kind of)? Arsenio Hall. That's who. And who's to argue with the great?

Be that as it may, it just so happens that I once viewed the 1982 classic, "The Kid with the Broken Halo" starring my beloved Gary, and I'll be damned if I didn't think it was one of the most moving motion pictures that I have ever been witness to. The handsome and talented teenaged Coleman plays the degrading role of a trouble–making, school–aged angel with the grace and elegance of a veteran actor. Someone along the lines of Jack Nicholson! Or the, um, revered Harry Connick, Jr.

Regardless, the family-friendly drama left me wanting more. It left me questioning what exactly I was doing with my life, and praying that Gary Coleman would be the heavenly spirit who would not only mend my personal troubles, but also help my family make it through difficult times. I stayed in bed for days, weeping softly and eating chocolate bon bons. In other words, two thumbs up from this city slicker.

Seeing as I went to the premiere screening of the film, the possibility remains that the glitz and glamour of my surroundings rather than the emotional saga that took place on screen swayed me towards a more positive reaction. Conceivably, I was blinded by the city lights, or maybe even the lights of the film projector into which I was staring steadfastly. Perhaps I was simply dumbfounded and star struck as I sat next to the irresistibly leather-clad David Hasselhoff.

I should note that, at the time of the premiere, Hasselhoff was suffering from a severe case of fever and hypothermia due to over-exposure of his rock-hard abdominal muscles on the sexy, summer beach and in the cold, erotic waters of the ocean. It would not be too bold a statement to say that I was his saving grace, for as Hasselhoff continued to metaphorically drown in his misery unobserved, I handed him a life preserver in the form of a keyboard embroidered winter scarf. While we exchanged no words, I learned the lesson of a lifetime in human relationships and so did David. Out of humility, and as a token of his gratitude, Hasselhoff later sported the scarf as he performed for crowds of young and old beside the Berlin Wall. Albeit, the collapse of the Berlin Wall signified a new beginning for people throughout the world, yet it was Hasselhoff's keyboard-embroidered scarf swaying to the rhythm of his gyrations that truly marked the fall of Communism.

During this High Holiday season, I'd like to stop and think about the things that I am truly thankful for. The virtuous Saint, Valentine that is, never had the pleasure of meeting Mister Hasselhoff. Theoretically speaking, however, if Jolly Ol' Saint Valentine were to come to me in a dream, I'm sure that he would beg to shake the hand of the man who made such an impact on the world with his music and acting and the hair? Oh the hair. The Saint would also carry with him the lingering aroma of poppies that would haunt me well after I should awake the next day.

Theoretically speaking. This is a season of love, passion, insecurities and raging paranoia. Why would any of us want to compromise the democracy in which we live? By insulting a harmless, thirty-something ex-child star we are hurting nobody but ourselves. I have always found something inherently wrong with the title "Different Strokes" and, while I may have succumb to peer pressure, in all honesty I think "what-chu talkin' 'bout Willis?!" jokes are gravely out of date. So, get with the times, man. And get with the program. Let young Gary make some bills. Would it hurt so much to rent "The Kid with the Broken Halo" with a loved one this holiday season and snuggle in for a night of awkward attempts at witty sarcasm and passion? Honestly, you would be doing yourself a favor.

Now, on to more important topics. The Renaissance Fair is soon to congregate in the fine state of Minnesota! Hear ye! Hear ye! The honorable Duke thus bids ye all to come and jostle with the knights and nobles of Witherton! Just kidding, I was using reverse psychology. It is my utmost conviction that the world of ancient fantasy is a threat to our Democracy. We need Hasselhoff, post haste!

True story: while visiting family in Los Angeles I saw a live taping of the legendary show, Baywatch. And yes, the cast is as glamorous as one would imagine. To my utmost dismay, however, the season was already post-Hasselhoff. While on the horizon I saw happiness, up close I saw the setting Hasselhoff sun of reality. To add insult to injury, who should I see jogging along the ocean shore than Richard Simmons? the anti-Hasselhoff. No lie.

This pop-culture reference is pure fact. We live in a world of disappointment and irony, kids. College can never teach you what the real world will. So, strap on your aerobic-walking shoes, and wiggle your way into pink sequined biking shorts, we're getting ready to Jazzercise. Because if life is my Subway, I want to be on the Jared Diet.