It is now so cold we want to die and the bleak, frigid pilgrimage to campus, wrought with icy peril and sub-zero gusts of wind, is a source of daily sorrow. It is this dire situation that has prompted a brilliant plan to promote inter-class solidarity here on the Macalester campus… and possibly many of Macalester's other "core values" like internationalism, academic excellence and multiculturalism (if that's still a core value).

Underclasspeople are all required to have rooms on campus that are most likely empty for large portions of the day, times when we poor seniors are stuck in the library pretending to study because we have nowhere to go. During these afternoon breaks we are tired and far from home, feeling the pain of the late nights of studying …. Okay, we'll be honest, of drinking too much at the Tap ($6 pitchers!), but this doesn't change the fact that there is no place on campus for us to spend the hours between classes. The Campus Center is nothing more than an enormous, sterile food court, the Link is uninviting and there is no place on campus with fatticouches. This is a serious problem.

Our solution to this grave social imbalance: ADOPT A SENIOR! In exchange for letting us poor, underprivileged off-campus folk nap in your rooms for an hour here or there, imagine the benefits … First of all, and this isn't meant to be offensive to all you first-years and sophomores who know you are cooler than us, but who doesn't want the status boost of a mysterious upperclassperson hanging out in their dorm room? Helping out a senior would produce some very tangible benefits. We generally have a kitchen that can produce better-than-cafeteria food. What's more, we have real driver's licenses that allow us to legally purchase alcohol. Plus, the senior you adopt would be very grateful and probably invite you to do hang out sometimes or maybe be able offer advice about classes, professors and all that other stuff we think we know a whole lot more about than you .

If we take action now, this could be the beginning of a beautiful Macalester tradition. When you think of our suffering, remember that in a year or two, when you get a room draw number higher than ten, you too will be trudging through whatever Minnesota throws at you. In a matter of months, we will be living a few blocks from campus and putting our B.A.'s to good use working at Domino's, thus we cannot achieve this alone. Even with the budget problems, MacAdopt is an organization that would surely get chartered. Or, if any of you plan to make (or already have) gratuitous amounts of money, we suggest endowing a cozy, couch-filled lounge—maybe one that serves beer.

A final note to desperate seniors: if the paperwork of adoption is just too much, you could always try the traditional method of hooking up with sophomores in order to get a bed for the night, a Sophomorathon if you will (try this often and with many different sophomores to find the best arrangement, for maximum convenience choose a weeknight). And don't get the brilliant idea of a firstyearathon, that's just plain sketchy. Word to the wise: the results of some "investigative reporting" show that adoption is perhaps the superior method, emerging from Wallace in post-hookup dishevelment leaves something to be desired. No one wants to relive sophomore year.