I hit him on the arm, half jokingly and half taken aback from the question. He was Asian too, but his experience was different from mine. He grew up in an Asian country. He was still fluent in his native language. He lived most of his life somewhat comfortable with his Asian identity.

But me? My experience was different. I grew up in a wealthy, white neighborhood in the South, where the Confederate flag was still visible at my mostly white private school. I had white friends, white teachers, white coaches, white supervisors and white neighbors. Everyone in my community was white and hell, you know what? I thought I was white too, or at least wished I was when I remembered I wasn’t.

Growing up was not easy for me, but being the optimist that I am, it wasn’t pure hell either (or at least not most of the time). I remember being the epitome of the “model minority”-(the notion that all Asians are hard workers, obedient, disciplined, independent, and therefore don’t need help or support because they can succeed on their own, which is pure BULLSHIT-I made good grades, I was shy and quiet, “nice,” voted the Peacemaker in elementary school and on the Honor Council in high school. I played a couple of instruments and had a math tutor too.

But life is not always peaches ’n cream, you know what I mean? Especially if you’ve lived most of your life (and continue to live, in my case) as one of few students of color, let alone of Asian decent (which includes Southeast Asians, Pacific Islanders, and all the other countries in Asia-FYI: we’re NOT all the same!) at school. Sometimes, I forgot what I looked like or even disliked what I looked like. I felt disconnected and empty. I didn’t know who I was and resented both my parents and friends for having a better idea of who they were.

It’s not easy, for example, always second-guessing whether race had anything to do with why you’re accepted or, in most cases, rejected. It’s not easy integrating two worlds that have very different cultures, values, customs, and expectations. It’s not easy being a Korean American girl in high school and wondering if guys don’t look at you because you’re Asian, but also not wanting them ever to consider you just because you ARE Asian. And it’s definitely not easy realizing and accepting that you are a banana or a twinkie after taking a racism class in college!

I guess I can say that after a lot of anti-racism workshops, retreats, intense final projects, and hours of soul-searching, Yes, I am comfortable with my twinkiness. But that comfort did not come in a fortune cookie and is not always stable and secure. I am definitely nowhere near the end of my journey in feeling wholeness with my self, and don’t expect it to come anytime soon. But I can confidently say that I am proud to be a Korean American woman and that I love who I am. Although my experiences with living in a society where racism continues to exist were not fun, I do not regret having them because they have strengthened my passion for dismantling racism.

Everyone has rough experiences growing up and I’m not claiming mine are better or worse than yours. I’m simply saying that we are all unique in our own ways and that we should recognize those differences. I don’t know what it’s like, for example, to be a homosexual male, let alone a homosexual black male, or an international student or a first generation Latina. It doesn’t matter because regardless of who you are, I’m going to recognize that your experience is different from mine and I’ll try to understand you and hope that we can connect and learn from each other. I’m not implying that a colorblind society is the way to go right now (a discussion which I won’t get into just yet), but it is the recognition and sensitivity to such differences that I think is important and the key to improving our troubled society.