Have you ever read Shogun? How many rows must a man walk down? And what's the deal with Corn Nuts®? I asked these questions and many more in attempt to uncover the enigma that is Brian Steininger '03.

We're sitting in the Macalester English Department and I'm freaking out. It's obvious I'm horribly out of place: I don't know what onomatopoeia means, I don't like metafiction, I haven't read any of the Brontë sisters, and I don't care about the correct placement of semi-colons; I'm on edge.
 

I know you're from the west suburbs. What's it like going to school close to home?

I grew up in Mound but went to Orono High School through open enrollment. It's convenient. It's easy to move in at the beginning of the year and my parents can swing by and take me out to dinner.
 

What's your favorite restaurant?

I'm partial to Taste of India on 394.
 

One of the English professors, a mousy one, darts in to make some copies. I play it cool until they leave.
 

So what's the deal with next year?

I'm going to grad school to earn a Ph.D. in Japanese literature. I'm considering a couple of schools but I can't disclose any names due to legal reasons.
 

Haven't you heard that Japanese literature is dead?

I kind of agree. Modern Japanese literature is pretty dead. Old is better. I've heard that English literature is dead too.
 

Haven't you read Shogun?

I have not read Shogun—but I've heard good things.
 

Another English professor picks up their documents at the printer. This one tries to make small talk—something about the use of alliteration in postmodern poetry. I don't understand him.
 

You seem to be well-versed in Macalester academics. What advice would you give beginning Macalester students?

Attend lunches—various departmental and school wide lunches. You can get acquainted with different departments and get fed. I recommend the pasta salad. I also recommend taking classes with good professors rather than classes that you think you should take. If you decide to do an honors project pick a topic that you want to talk about rather than a topic that you can talk a lot about.
 

If you could give anything as the senior class gift, what would it be?

I kind of like the windmill. It's kind of pointless but it makes a good statement. I think if we can spend $28,000 a year on Springfest, we can spend a little money on making this campus more green. Either that or a student union.
 

What else do you keep yourself busy with, Brian?

I used to be in a band. It was a fiercely political avant-garde art movement that manifested itself into a shitty dorm room band called The Make-Out Patrol. I wanted to start a New Wave band called The Look—but it was the best we could come up with.
 

How about music?

Well, I've been listening to a lot of Roberta Fleck again?
 

What's the deal with "strumming my pain with his fingers?" A little edgy, wouldn't you say?

It's sort of a double entendre.
 

This English shit is creeping me out. Is there music you don't like?

I think my least favorite musical movement was the post-grunge/alternative music of the late 90s: Creed, Incubus, Puddle of Mud…
 

I don't like the crappy college a cappella musical movement. Is there anything else Macalester should know about Brian?

I think they've heard enough.
 

Amen.