The Mac Weekly: February 30, 2063 Headlines

EWAG releases results of squirrel survey: black squirrels superior By SOMETHING LIKE A BENANANAV... Black squirrels consistently run faster, jump higher and dance better than gray squirrels, the Extra-tight Wildlife And Governance Committee (EWAG) revealed on Tuesday. {more}


Political Science majors find it hard to boycott Coke By MUFFIN KENT Students organizing the current Coke Boycott have found an unreceptive audience in one particular campus group: political science majors. {more}


New housing policy to stimulate rich kid growth, eliminate dirty hippies and activists By LIME TORTILLA CHIPS The Mockalester Admissions Office has instituted a new policy this year that will restrict the acceptance of applicants who come from low or mid-range socio-economic backgrounds or are generally considered to be “uncultured,” in hopes of raising the levels of elitism on campus. {more}


Limbaugh Addicted to Oxytocin; Biologists Perplexed By Limbaugh Fan Extraordinaire NEW YORK— In a move that stunned listeners and confused biologists, conservative commentator Rush Limbaugh checked himself into a rehabilitation facility for addiction to oxytocin. {more}


Unexpected shit goes down on campus By REBECCA de WINTER Mockalester College students were shocked last weekend when shit went down on campus. In what is shaping up to be an ongoing campus trend, shit happened in many of the dorms as well as the Campus Center and Kagin Commons. {more}


Departments combine to form Studies program By Little bunny foo-foo In an unprecedented move Thursday, Mockalester College consolidated nearly every academic department into the single discipline of Studies. {more}

Abroad orientation great! By CRIMEA RIVER Vanessa Snuffles ’05 could barely contain her excitement upon leaving the study abroad orientation session held in Carnegie Hall on Tuesday. “I just learned a ton!” Snuffles exclaimed, clutching her take-home reading materials close to her heaving breasts. “I just couldn’t imagine traveling to a distant, exotic land without a preparatory Power Point presentation.” {more}


Warning: having sex before you’re married results in stolen goods By FRUITY SAUSAGE A team of two young women, who go by the names of Buffy and Chucky, have been ingeniously making off with the laptops of innocent sex-starved Macalester students. They stole the third laptop in three days from the fourth floor of DeWitt Wallace Library. {more}


Pepsi eats babies; no one cares By CHRISTINA AGUILERA At a poorly attended speech in someone’s dorm room, consumer rights activist Ralph Nader revealed that the soft drink mega-conglomerate PepsiCo actually feeds live babies to a machine in order to produce its delectable beverage. Nader passionately implored the five students in attendance to take action. “Who is going to end this miscarriage of justice? Who will stop the wanton consumption of innocent infants?” {more}


Prez Rosenberg inspired by motion picture By VIVIAN WARD In a statement issued Monday, Mockalester College president Brian Rosenberg has decided to change the Mockalester motto to “Look beyond the image of what is, consider the possibilities of what can be,” a key motto used in the new film Mona Lisa Smile. “I was just so inspired by the story,” stated the president, “The way that woman turned around the lives of her students really showed me what a college educator should be. I haven’t seen education like that since Dead Poets Society.” {more}


Crazy people to live at Mock; student life to remain generally the same, with more drugs By REILLY CHUDOWSKI In a move that will leave you bouncing off the walls and begging for Valium, Mockalester College agreed to host overflow patients from Shady Acres, a state asylum for the predominantly insane. Shady Acres, located a hop, skip, and a hump away, faces serious budget cuts from the state, which claims that “true Americans don’t go insane, and if they do, they’re patriotic enough to ignore it.” {more}

Why aren’t there any articles about child pornography in The Mock Weekly?

By BEAUFORD PICKLEFEATHER

The Mock Weekly has been the campus’ premier satirical publication for decades, consistently parodying the major developments of student and academic life. Given its commitment to breaking issues, however, many were puzzled by the absence of stories about child pornography in both last semester’s issue and the current edition. Why, despite the attention paid to students’ alleged dissemination of child pornography, has the subject not elicited any satirical write-ups? {more}

Snow, skirts, alcohol and belligerence mar semi-annual athletic ritual By Captain von Trapp and Maria In spite of freezing cold and icy conditions, The Mock Weekly staff ran its traditional Footraces last Thursday morning at approximately 1:15 a.m. Managing Editor Kristastan Goff ’04 and Contributing Writer Michael “Gimme Some More-a That Fedora” Barnes ’06 swept the races. {more}


The controversy of our times: Is professional eating a sport? By kate moss Mockalester student Chris Little ’06 completed a David Blainian 12-day protest against the “conspiracy” by The Mock Weekly against his “sport” of choice. What was unusual about this protest, as opposed to any of the other ubiquitous Mockalester protests, was the fact that Little sat in a bathtub filled with beans and had Freedom Fries stuffed up his nose. {more}

How the BCS screwed Mockalester over

By JOHN “SENILE” MADDEN

Verdict: Yes.

Now, why Mockalester got shat on by the BCS... {more}

Mocklight: Jordan Becker ’N/A

Mockweekly: [Eye contact made]

Jordan: So after this one game there was this crazy riot because Turkey got Jewed on this offsides call that would have tied the game with like two minutes left, so these three skinheads from Turkey beat the crap out of four Pollacks who were talking shit and one of these Pollacks pulls out a samurai sword and has it pointed at this skinhead’s nuts demanding that he strip and tattoo “Poland Forever!” on his asscheek or he’s gonna cut the dude’s cock off so they go into this tattoo parlor in Stockholm with riot police surrounding the place and the tattoo artist is about to start when they throw tear gas in the place and everyone’s choking trying to get out of there and …yeah… {more}

O, sweet roomie!

By OH GOD, Jr.

I love my roommate.

I would be lost in the world without her. She knows everything about everything. Those two shots of cheap vodka she took at QU really did make her an alcohol connoisseur. Her poverty stricken life as the child of two doctors taught her a lot about the way the world really works. And now that she’s taken African American Studies AND Intro to LGBT Studies, she knows all about what its like to be oppressed. {more}

Campus hipster and DJ flaunts newfound vinyl collection of French instructional phrases

By RODDY McEIRAKHE

Chances are if you haven’t heard the new vinyl find of Noah Alsace, ’05, then you aren’t anybody worth knowing. Allons-y: Discovering Basic French Phrases, volumes 1-7, the box set of vintage 45s that Alsace found in a bargain bin of a New York record store over Thanksgiving break, has inspired renewed awe and admiration for the student’s taste in obscure albums. {more}

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