Black squirrels consistently run faster, jump higher and dance better than gray squirrels, the Extra-tight Wildlife And Governance Committee (EWAG) revealed on Tuesday.

“You know, we were kind of worried about subscribing to archaic stereotypes,” said EWAG Chair Ted Nugent. “But it’s true—black squirrels are generally more athletic and are definitely better dancers than their gray brothers.”

EWAG conducted the study after several fights broke out between the black and gray squirrels on campus. “It seems that gray squirrels were appropriating many elements of black squirrel culture,” EWAG member Schmandrew Krueger said.

Escalating tensions between the two groups of squirrels have heightened awareness of multi-squirrel issues on campus, validating the centrality of EWAG to the Mockalester community.

“We always knew EWAG was central to a liberal arts college bureaucracy,” pointed out Krueger. “More so than, say Russian. But the recent surge in activity has certainly corroborated our previous understanding of the issues.”

Heightened conflict prompted the committee’s close study of squirrel behavior in recent weeks. The committee members were unanimous in their observation of the distinct behavioral patterns typical of black and gray squirrels.

Several students said their exposure to the black squirrel community left them mysteriously enamored with their “exotic” qualities.

“I’m from the suburbs, so I never really saw a black squirrel before,” Rachel Olsen ’07 said. “But boy, can they dance!”

“I was blown away by how, ahem, well-endowed the male black squirrels are,” Bubba Hotep ’06 said. “I mean, their size is really beautiful. You know, pretty. In the snow and stuff. I gotta go.”

The committee’s data found that black squirrels are generally faster tail-chasers, tree-climbers and nut-eaters than their paler counterparts. They also demonstrated a weakness for apparel made by FUBU and Sean John.

While the gray squirrels were consistently behind in athletic ability, they also demonstrated an increasing fashion sense. However, the overall “bling” factor remained consistently higher in the black squirrel community.

EWAG noted the jarring passivity of the gray squirrels. “They were alarmingly slow in their movement, perhaps due to their larger size and tendency to eat all of the nuts,” Krueger explained.

The committee also noted some members of the gray community organizing on behalf of what they saw as “disenfranchisement” of the black squirrels.