A team of two young women, who go by the names of Buffy and Chucky, have been ingeniously making off with the laptops of innocent sex-starved Macalester students. They stole the third laptop in three days from the fourth floor of DeWitt Wallace Library.

Security Director Terry Gorman explained the situation. “One of the women seduces the studious laptop user and whisks him [or her] off to a more private environment, usually the stacks in section BJ201.5 R62 to BS683.S6 to give him [or her] a BJ,” he said. “It is only after the other girl steals the unattended laptop that the victim realizes it was all BS,” library student worker Ron Henley ’06 said.

Scott Tchtobefest ’04, the first victim, harbored mixed feelings about the incident. “I just lost my senior seminar paper,” he said dejectedly, but brightened when he added, “but that was the BEST BLOWJOB I HAVE EVER HAD! I love you Chucky!”