The Mockalester Admissions Office has instituted a new policy this year that will restrict the acceptance of applicants who come from low or mid-range socio-economic backgrounds or are generally considered to be “uncultured,” in hopes of raising the levels of elitism on campus.

The policy stems from increasing student, faculty and administration concern that the Mockalester student body’s diversity and near obsession with elevating the “less fortunate” put it at a distinct disadvantage when compared to other schools such as St. Thomas and St. Olaf.

President Brian Rosenberg explained that it would be a great step for the school if Mockalester could move up at least 10 spaces in the U.S. News & World Report rankings. “That would show the rest of the country that Mockalester has the ability to be just as elitist as any other school,” he said. “Clearly, a wealthier student body will help us to accomplish this goal.”

Changes to the application process will include requiring applicants to include pictures of their summer homes and write an essay detailing the their equestrian proficiency. There will also be a short-answer question in which they will describe the designer hat/scarf/mittens set that they believe best represents them.

Financial aid will no longer be available, freeing up the precious resources needed to provide Café Mac with even more generously sized plates for the East station. Waterford crystal tumblers are also under consideration.

Students attending private high schools in affluent communities will be heavily recruited under the new policy. Mockalester will also work to maintain a quota of two marginally famous celebrities each year.

Kara Durham ’04 went to a prep school in Boston and said that her experience at Mockalester has made it difficult to relate to her friends from home, most of whom are now at prestigious East Coast schools. “When we get together over the summer they all gossip about the celebrities who go to their schools, she said. “I just can’t relate to that, being at Mockalester. The closest we’ve come to celebrities are Kofi Annan and that rumor that the middle Hanson brother was coming here.”

Not all students agree that Mockalester is completely devoid of celebrity interest. “I heard that Josh Harnett was at Coffee News a couple weeks ago because his girlfriend lives in Minneapolis. So we do have our share of celebrities around here,” Eric Edens ’05 said. Durham then pointed out that Edens is from South Dakota.

Another serious issue is the overwhelming popularity among students of such social justice advocates as Howard Zinn, Denis Kucinich, Ani DiFranco and Jed Bartlett. “Everyone here is so caught up in trying to make somebody else’s life better that they forget to enjoy their own,” Chloe Pete ’07 said. “I couldn’t even find one person to watch ‘The OC’ with me last week because everyone on my floor was too busy vandalizing Coke machines.”

According to The Princeton Review’s evaluation of the first-tier liberal arts colleges, nearly every other prestigious college boasts a higher percentage of students who say they “don’t give a fuck” about industrial agriculture, the FTAA and poor, hungry orphans.

“If we want Mockalester to be competitive with the traditionally elite colleges then we are going to have to attract more students with an inflated sense of self-importance,” said Laurie Hamre, dean of students and vice president of student affairs. “Naturally, many of the students who fit this profile are also quite affluent. It isn’t our fault that some people just don’t work hard enough to make a lot of money and allow their kids to feel good about themselves.”

Other concerns include the growing interest in majors like African Studies and Environmental Studies at the expense of more elitist departments such as Philosophy and Political Science.

“These students want to go out and actually do something with their degrees! They want to help people! I just don’t get it! Whatever happened to the ivory tower?” Philosophy Professor Karen Warren said. “I am so much better than everyone else!”