At a poorly attended speech in someone’s dorm room, consumer rights activist Ralph Nader revealed that the soft drink mega-conglomerate PepsiCo actually feeds live babies to a machine in order to produce its delectable beverage. Nader passionately implored the five students in attendance to take action. “Who is going to end this miscarriage of justice? Who will stop the wanton consumption of innocent infants?”

Apparently, no one.

Little has been said at Mockalester about Pepsi’s infanticidal formula, save for the occasional one-liner. An anti-Coca Cola activist, who wished to remain anonymous snickered, “what do you get when you skin a baby? An erection!”

“I really don’t know what all this fuss is about,” a top-level PepsiCo executive said, dismissing the allegations. “We’re all about progressive business practices. We now offer Peace Pepsi, which is produced using only shade-grown, free-range grazing babies. We do not feed our babies with any artificial substances. Well, except maybe for crack.”

Most Mockalester students seem to agree with Pepsi’s baby-grinding methods. “Yeah, I’m a militant vegan,” Dapper Dan ’06 said. “But hot damn, those chilluns’ taste like sweet candy!” One resident of the Veggie Co-op proclaimed whilst slamming down some “Fourth-Trimester Cola,” the newest line of Pepsi beverages.

However, not every Mockalester student sips from the carbonated diaper. The eight Republicans on campus have started an underground railroad for Pepsi’s babies called “The Lollipop Locomotive.” “This is just like what Harriet Tubman was doing,” the leader of the renegade Republicans noted, “except we only save the un-cola babies.”

Who will save all the babies, regardless of their flavor, from this liquid atrocity? President Bush has yet to take an official stance on the issue of “full-birth abortion.” Perhaps only by boycotting soft drinks altogether can we truly ensure we are not drinking yesterday’s fetus.

Have Fun. Be young. Really, really young, Like, fetus young. Drink Pepsi.