In spite of freezing cold and icy conditions, The Mock Weekly staff ran its traditional Footraces last Thursday morning at approximately 1:15 a.m. Managing Editor Kristastan Goff ’04 and Contributing Writer Michael “Gimme Some More-a That Fedora” Barnes ’06 swept the races.

The women’s race was a tight one. New staffer Katie “Pastey” Pastorius ’06 came in a very close second. Managing Editor Lizzie “I need a bedpan” Tannen ’05 was the big loser, jogging for the first half of the 100 meters and walking for the second half. “First of all, I had already run half a race [in a false start with Managing Editor Danielle Maestretti ‘04],” Tannen said. “And I had just come back from a night on the town. Minneapolis. And I slipped.”

Maestretti, who came in second to last (“or wait, didn’t I come in first?”), overheard this comment and disagreed: “Lizzie’s skirt was so short and slutty that it prohibited her from performing well.”

“No, I just didn’t want to slip and hurt myself!” Tannen said.

“No, she’s a dirty slut,” Maestretti insisted.

In the men’s race, Barnes came in first, followed by Dan “Looking For a” Feidt ’05. Barnes accomplished this feat while wearing socks. The male editors on staff were roundly criticized for being fucking pussies for letting the contributing writers beat them. Feidt expressed incredulity: “Who knew that socks could beat hiking boots?”

Dhruva “Tired Hands” Jaiwankar ’05 came in third, while News Editor Brent “I overdosed on Vivarin” Hecht ’05 came in fourth. Hecht wore no socks, shoes or coat, claiming that his attire “just showed [his] intensity.”

Herschel “Jesus” Nachlis ‘07, however, let his excitement get the best of him and slipped and fell in the first five feet of the race, walking to a last place finish.

“I got a little too fired up at the beginning,” Nachlis admitted. “And then it was over. Fuck you all.”

As opposed to their traditional half-assed pre-race enthusiasm, many staff members were violently opposed to the idea of races this semester, citing the 9 degree Fahrenheit temperature and several of the staff members’ unprecedented level of crankiness.

“I’m really concerned that someone is going to slip and fall,” Goff repeated on her way out the door.

“Shut up, pussy,” Katherine “I write pretty fucked up shit” Tylevich ’06 said, smacking Goff on the ass.

These neurotic staffers then became belligerent when other, more intoxicated editors tried to convince them to exit the office. “I am NOT going outside,” Maestretti boomed from her desk.

“Yes, you are, and barefoot like me! Wheeee!” screeched Hecht as he slid out the door.

Everyone eventually participated in the races except for Managing Editor Bry “Fake ads” Longley-Postema ’04, who injured herself last weekend while drunkenly entangling herself with a bush walking home from a Mock Weekly party. WTG, Bry.