Pisces: Feb. 20 - March 20
If you play the trombone four times a week something extremely fortuitous will happen to you. Namely, you will become a very good trombonist. But hopefully something else extremely fortuitous will also happen. Although playing the trombone is a big turn on, it’s not particularly useful outside of kinky sex.

Aries: March 21 - April 19
People suck. This is the sad truth. However, you should not let it affect the way you view your perfect self. Their inability to see and meet your perfection rests solely upon their faulted shoulders. Keep sweeping regally through the hallways; some day the masses will bow down at your feet. Just put up with their stupidity until then.

Taurus: April 20 - May 20
Have you ever eaten a whole bunch of curiously strong peppermint Altoids all at once and then breathed out? You should. Make sure you take a nice deep breath, like the kind laboring women have, and then whoosh-feel the burn! It’s much better than any sort of drug, though not particularly cheap. Try stealing them from your room- and floormates (you can justify this by the fact that you are a broke college student, and besides, they steal yours), then mix flavors for an extra zing. Have an Altoid-fest!

Gemini: May 21- June 20
See Scorpio. (It’s your turn for a slacker horoscope this week, sorry.)

Cancer: June 21 - July 22
You should definitely carry your Lucky Tent Stake with you at all times. However, you should resist the urge to stab it into random people who are shorter than you. That kind of blatant size-ist attitude will get you a nasty letter from the National Federation of Vertically Inhibited Persons. Instead, poke freakishly large people, (i.e., anyone taller than you) especially those with really big hands and flamingo-shaped cigarette lighters.

Leo: July 23 - Aug. 22
Kick back, relax, take it easy, and eat lots of watermelon.

Virgo: Aug. 23 - Sept. 22
A monkey in a dress will haunt your dreams. This is because the sheep you were counting are on strike. They are filing a sexual harassment lawsuit after your scandalous behavior. Your best defense in court is to claim that you don’t speak English and then ask where the bathroom is. If you then launch into a description of your gown-wearing dream monkey stripping to lacy lingerie, you should get off. And I mean that in every sense of the phrase.

Libra: Sept. 23 - Oct. 22
You are the terror that flaps in the night. You are the shadow that lurks in other shadows. You are the menace that wakes terror in the hearts of easily-menaced creatures. You are the Arnold Schwartzeneger of small furry animals (whatever that means). You are. And that is profound.

Scorpio: Oct. 23 - Nov. 21
Quit being such an utter bastard!* Don’t try to look all innocent and angelic. And don’t look behind yourself in a confused manner either, I mean you. Yes, you! You need to snap out of it and start noticing how horrible you are. Really, don’t be a bastard! Please.
*If this does not apply to you ignore this entire passage and read a good uplifting self-help book and eat a pint of nicely fattening ice cream.

Sagittarius: Nov. 22 - Dec. 21
Your luck will be greatly improved by tattooing “Cherry Garcia, baby!” in bold letters on some indecent and rarely exposed part of your body. You may have to get drunk in order to convince yourself that this is a good idea, but that is generally thought of as a bonus.

Capricorn: Dec. 22 - Jan 19
Strip off all your clothing and dance naked in the street. Not only will you find it liberating, but a lot of sexually frustrated students will appreciate it. You can still lead a morally upright life. Just say that this is your side job. And you can build your argument with examples of Swedes who hot tub and then roll naked in the snow. You have to show your true Minnesotan spirit after all!

Aquarius: Jan. 20 - Feb. 19
While Easy Mac certainly can be argued to have nutritional value, it is probably not healthy to subsist solely on it either. You should supplement your diet with multi-vitamins at least, or follow some new health trend. They are not necessarily healthy either, but some are so ridiculous that you will laugh your way into health.