I am trying to figure out why I woke up at 8:30 in the morning to interview Abigail Borkin '03. She's working the morning shift at the new Dunn Bros. in Home Video. Even after a free cup of coffee I still can't figure it out.
 

So you're starring in a play this weekend.

Starring isn't the right word. The play is This is Our Youth by Kenneth Lonegran and it starts Peter Wiedman '04, Rick Lechowick '04, and myself. It's showing this Friday and Saturday night at 8:00 p.m. in the basement of GDD. Bring your DD key.
 

What's the premise?

It's about 3 rich kids from NYC with lots of money, drugs and making out.
 

Hmm—sounds familiar, Abbey.

You should come and check it out. At the least you can get a contact high and get off watching me and Peter make out.
 

This is a pretty sweet job you've got here.

I know. All I do is read the NY Times, do my homework, drink free lattés and eat muffins. Plus I get free movie rentals.
 

But you do have to get up at 6:00 in the morning.

That's ok. I can sleep when I die.
 

Can you at least get rid of my overdue fees?

No.
 

[My job sucks. I interview you jerks every week and never get anything for free. Where's the respect?]
 

So, Abbey, what's your major?

I'm a History major—but it's all about the extracurriculars. Speaking of extracurriculars, if you like what you see this weekend, you should come to check out Rick and I next weekend at the Bad Comedy Show—Thursday, Friday and Saturday night in 10k. I get to make out in that one, too.
 

[I plug your goddamn shows, I take your goddamn pictures, I write about what you think about the goddamn windmill.]
 

What do you think of the windmill, Abbey?

It's a great addition to campus. Don't ask me the typical questions, James. I'm not your typical girl.
 

[Shut up, Abbey.]
 

So tell me, Abbey, what are you doing after school?

I'm moving to Chicago. I'm going with Poppy Coleman '02 ever since you ditched out. We could have been Will & Grace, James.
 

True, Abbey. So what are your plans in Chicago?

I want to see the world—and by that I mean play with little kids, do sketch comedy with Second City and do theater in general.

Yo, today I was so broke I had to pay for the NY Times in nickels.
 

That's rough.

I live a glamorous lifestyle. I like Whole Foods—and not just the hot male employees. I'm addicted to organic chicken, vanilla lattés and buying CDs.
 

You're right, Abbey. You deserve better than the typical questions.

I'm an open book, James. You just don't know what page to turn to.
 

So where are you thinking of going next year?

I already answered that question.
 

Right. Anything else you want to plug?

My radio show is on Sunday nights from 8 to 10. It's British music, but it's basically just Kobe and I bad mouthing people, giving away phantom Bob Dylan tickets, and dedicating songs.
 

But no one listens.

Not true. John Redmond listens—he's a radio show regular as well as an incredible guy and an inspiration.
 

We're in a movie store: top five cutest male actors—go.

Jake Gyllenhaal, Jason Lee, Tobey Maguire, Ron Weasley--but only from the second Harry Potter film--, and Hugh Grant.