I’m a Mac student, Class of ’06

Or ’07, if I decide to take a year off to volunteer at a Native Alaskan reservation

I boycott Coca-Cola because I don’t like their labor practices,

then I go to Café Mac and act like a dick to all the employees who work there.

Doesn’t that Harold know he’s below me?

I don’t go to Wal-Mart because they treat their workers unethically,

yet I always make sure to smear my feces on the bathroom wall, so that Yodit the janitor can clean it up

I tell people how unappreciative they are of living in a developed nation,

then I bitch about how bad the cafeteria food is.

Oh my God, this soup is lukewarm!

Somebody better be fired over this.

I jack-off to multiculturalism,

but I would never talk to an international student, or someone of a different race.

They probably wouldn’t want to talk to me, right?

I tell my friends how bad Bush’s Constitutional Amendment is,

then at the QU dance, I become “gay for a day” by getting belligerently drunk and dressing up like a woman.

I complain that there aren’t enough poor people here,

then, you see, I complain even more about a tuition increase.

I’m so funny.
 

I do nothing to stop my friends from defacing the residential halls,

but I care SO MUCH about Macalester’s commitment to the Talloires Declaration.

I always sit with the same friends every day at the same table at dinner,

and I still complain about how cliquey Macalester is,

and I still send phony replies to people looking for friends in the Macalester Today.

But as an Orientation Leader, I preached the utter importance of meeting new people.

I make fun of fellow students who watch professional wrestling in the lounge,

but that’s because they are the same people who made fun of my precious Frisbee back in secondary school.

I think Macalester should keep the $30,000 six-man ski-team,

but I still want them to keep all their other programs in tact.

Including my $20,000 a year financial aid.
 

Every Springfest, I choose the Beer Garden over the performances.

Every rap concert, when the MC says, “is Brooklyn in da’ house?” I scream out “Yeah!”

even though I’m from suburban Washington.

I think I’m Lil’ Jon, you know.

Every room draw, I ignore any comments I’ve ever made about gentrification,

and go straight to the “I DESERVE to live in GDD” shtick because “Living in a Dupre Single would be UNFAIR.”

Every time I go to the Kagin Computer Lab,

I make sure to steal a mouse.

Tuition increase? Blasphemy!
 

I’m a Mac Student.

I push people in wheelchairs down flights of stairs.

I urinate on Bateman Plaza.

I throw pebbles at three-legged dogs.

Okay, the latter three things aren’t true.

But hey, if I did them, I’d be noticed, right?