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Administration cuts spring semester, all rejoice
By Princess Jasmine
The administration announced at yesterday’s faculty meeting that next year, instead of eliminating J-term, all of spring semester will be discarded as part of the school’s money saving measures. In addition, President McPherson announced that tuition will be increased by fifty percent.
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FFPT, Xcel Energy bring alternative energy source to campus
By Urban Sombrero
In an unprecedented display of student initiative, MCSG passed a resolution Tuesday authorizing the construction of a full-scale oil derrick a mere 25 feet from the recently erected windmill. The plan to construct the oil derrick was presented by members of Xcel Energy’s Fossil Fuel Preservation Team (FFPT).
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Mockalester to vote on new school song
By CAPTAIN MORGAN
After years of off-key singing at both commencement and opening convocation, the Mockalester College Student Government (MCSG) has decided to vote on a new school anthem at the start of next semester. “Dear Old Mockalester,” the current school song, which was written way before any of the current students were born by some old alumnus who couldn’t afford to have a new dorm named after him, has been described by some students as “the worst fucking school anthem in the history of crappy liberal arts colleges in the Midwest.”
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PF buys posters after Mock visit
By BRETT MICHAELS
Dan Gilson, a senior from Eau Claire, Wisconsin who visited Mockalester last weekend, has purchased 3 posters since his visit. “Those kids had some fucking cool shit on their walls,” he said, “I can’t wait until I get away from my mom, and then I can put up any posters I want.”
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Bon Appetit buys out Tap, five other eateries
By ANITA HOARE
In an attempt to further their stranglehold over Mockalester dining facilities the catering service Bon Appetit bought out seven rival eateries, including Pad Thai, Breadsmith, Red Fish Blue, The Groveland Tap, Coffee News Café, Dunn Bros. and the St. Clair Broiler.
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Benanav’s legislation threatens Peace Camp
By ROBERT KELLY
Citycouncilmember Jay Benanav introduced a bill today that would prevent Mockalester students’ Peace Camp tents from being too close together.
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More funding for sobriquets in ’03-’04
By SID MARTY KROFT
After the success of this year’s trial to boost the college’s image with an increased sobriquet budget, the Mockalester administration has decided to further enhance that program for the 2003-2004 school year.
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A response to recent network problems at Mockalester
By TED PHINES
Over the past week, the Mockalester e-mail server has been experiencing failures. On Thursday, an unspecified problem caused the Admin server to fail three times, with a 15-60 minute interval between failures. The following day, the server experienced 3-4 minute outages throughout the morning, with a 20-minute outage occurring around noon when we attempted to fix the problem. Finally, a recent update to the server––which was supposed to go quickly and flawlessly––inadvertantly corrupted the database that handles e-mail forwarding on Monday, resulting in even more outages.
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Operation Scot Freedom set to go
By Gus Hag
The Dean of Students office announced at last week’s ADELANTE! meeting that the much anticipated Phase Three of the Grand Avenue Citizen Traversal Overhaul Project will begin on September 1st.
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SF & JH dominate footraces
By BRAD SALMEN
The Mac Weekly staffers took part in most famous of the The Mock Weekly traditions—The Footrace on Wednesday, April 30 on Macalester Street.
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Duck elected president of MCSG
By DUCK CHENEY
In a surprising turn of events, the duck with the green head was elected MCSG president in the re-vote last week. “We didn’t even know he was running,” Harris Aqueel, former MCSG president stated Monday, “All I can say is he must’ve had a damn good platform.”
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International student gets US citizenship
By HUGH G. RECTION
An international student who recently acquired United States citizenship said he is suffering from a major identity crisis. Apu Nahasapeemapetilon ’04, originally from New Delhi, India, complained that he found his naturalization was having peculiar effects on his personality and social life.
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SARS causes Asians, Canadians to be quarantined in 30 Mock
By DOUG and BOB MCKENZIE
In response to the growing scare of Severe Acute Respiratory Syndrome (SARS), Mockalester has taken a huge step in limiting the disease’s spread on campus. In a move that has angered minority and international students, all students from East Asia as well as those of Asian origins have been quarantined in doubly-locked 30 Mock.
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Winton discovers cure for leukemia: New report says kids “fake it”
By LUKE E. MIYA
Winton health services is good for more than free Advil and contraceptives. A report detailing the results of an intensive three-year study presents radical new approaches to treating childhood leukemia. The report released earlier this week recommends that children suffering from leukemia remain well hydrated, get eight or more hours of sleep a night and avoid full-contact sports. The report reveals that over half of children who are diagnosed with leukemia are “just faking it.” Research coordinator John Luqqs said, “lots of kids see it on television and put up a good act just to get attention. They start spending all their time in bed and their muscles atrophy and it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. If your kid starts complaining about any of the obvious symptoms the last thing you want to do is encourage the behavior by seeking medical attention. If the kid really is sick with leukemia give him lots of water make sure he gets decent sleep. Tell him no more ice cream, hehe, that’s the best way to root out the impostors.”
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Social norm subverted: Another victory for post-modern theory
By MONKMAN DELANO
Last Thursday marked yet another victory for post-modernist theory within the Mockalester curriculum as fifteen photographs mauled Lazarus. The filament, while unavailable for comment, was still frightened and horribly honest.
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A particularly stupid Macalester student attempts to cross Grand Ave. illegally and is shocked by his Adminstration-mandated electric dog collar. After the fifth shock, he finally crossed at the crosswalk.
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The Mac Weekly is an entirely student-produced publication. The opinions expressed in this document are those of its authors and editors, not of Macalester College.
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