The administration announced at yesterday’s faculty meeting that next year, instead of eliminating J-term, all of spring semester will be discarded as part of the school’s money saving measures. In addition, President McPherson announced that tuition will be increased by fifty percent.

“It gradually became more and more clear that the students really prefer vacation to classes,” Provost Dan Hornbach said. “Most students go abroad in the sping anyway. As always, we’re just looking out for their best interests.”

He added that without spring semester, faculty will have more time to spend doing biology research, "which is really why we’re all here.”

Dean of Students Laurie Hamre agreed that the cut is a logical step. “We were already considering a giant school-wide curve in the spring due to lack of student motivation in remotely sunny weather,” she said. “Now we won’t have to do that.”

Professors expressed enthusiasm at the announcement.

“Maybe I’ll actually read some of those books in my office,” History professor Peter Rachleff exclaimed. "Not to mention Dean Samatar and I will finally have the chance to go on that multiculturalism retreat together!”

Religious Studies professor Bernie Raskas said that he and history professor Jim Stewart have already extended their annual spring break trip to Acapulco.

“Was there a spring semester before?” Raskas asked, puzzled. “I can’t really recall. Like my hat?”

Head of Security Terry Gorman said, "I’ll get those delinquents!” Shouting, "where’d that little punk go?” he fled the scene.

Some students were also excited about the idea.“Whoa,” said student Jim Bo. "Does that mean we still get to eat at Café Mac? I would really miss the curly fries.

“Others expressed dismay that they would be paying twice the amount of money for half as much school.

“Ummm. What? That’s fucking ridiculous,” Lola Green said. “I knew Hornbach would do this. That ass wipe.”

MCSG President Haris Aqeel seemed to think it was a great idea, sort of. "No one can critisize student government!" he screamed. “Ever!!!”

As for the hike in tuition, McPherson said that it was really an important step for the college in its pursuit of diversity.

“I mean, when we say ‘diversity’ we really only mean that we’re trying to attract rich white males to the college. With tuition this high, we’ll just get lots of REALLY rich white males.”