The Dean of Students office announced at last week’s ADELANTE! meeting that the much anticipated Phase Three of the Grand Avenue Citizen Traversal Overhaul Project will begin on September 1st.

While Hamre was sketchy on the details (as usual, sheesh), the City of St. Paul has titled Phase Three: “Operation Scot Freedom.”

Officer Porky McFuzz said that OSF will require all international students to wear Highlander corporation dog collars at all times. As students approach Grand Avenue from any of the eighteen crosswalks, the collars will begin beeping loudly. If the student ignores the "warning pulse" and continues to approach the completely invisible electric fence that will line the entire curb, they will be met with a shock powerful enough to stun a small panda.

Then someone told McFuzz that “all the foreign kids live in Kirk anyway and rarely cross the street. “McFuzz replied by rolling his eyes and muttering, “fucking French,” under his breath.

Director of Security Terry Gorman assured all senior administrative staff that he will do all he can to protect domestic students and promote Freedom at Mockalester.

“9/11 just changed everything,” he said. “Jaywalking can no longer be taken lightly. We have given them a chance, and their danger can no longer be ignored. The time has come for Crosswalk Traversal Overhaul." Gorman then tipped his urban sombrero and began interrupting the black squirrels copulating in order to produce more black squirrels.

Some domestic students have expressed outrage at the discrimination against foreigners and have demanded that they be forced to wear dog collars as well.

“Only cute ones, though, and without the electrical shock part,” one activist explained.