After years of off-key singing at both commencement and opening convocation, the Mockalester College Student Government (MCSG) has decided to vote on a new school anthem at the start of next semester. “Dear Old Mockalester,” the current school song, which was written way before any of the current students were born by some old alumnus who couldn’t afford to have a new dorm named after him, has been described by some students as “the worst fucking school anthem in the history of crappy liberal arts colleges in the Midwest.”

“It’s such a wimpy song,” said Mockalester student Jeffrie Highman ’03. “I can’t believe I have to sing that crap in front of all my relatives at commencement this year.”

MCSG has just released a list of possible songs which the student body will vote on next September. This list of songs, made up of some Mockalester favorites which can always be heard blasting from the dorms late on Saturday night, promises to bring students to the voting table in hoards.

“I’m so excited I could shit myself!” exclaims Mockalester sophomore Jenny Nerfherder ’05. “I’m glad MCSG has finally gotten its ass on the ball and is addressing issues which are important to the student body. Fuck the student-run lounge.”

Below is a complete list of songs which MCSG has presented for the student body’s approval.

1. “In Da Club” by 50 Cent. The line “Go Shorty, it’s your birthday” really sums up the Mockalester experience for many students.

2. “I’m With You” by Avril Lavigne. This one should be popular among the first-years, although several upperclassmen have been spotted crooning it loudly at the Grillé

3. “We Built This City” by Jefferson Starship. After all, Mockalester was the liberal arts college build on rock n‘ roll.

4. “Move Bitch, Get Out The Way” by Ludacris. Summarizes the daily rush at the cafeteria.

5. “Dancing Queen” by ABBA. If you’re going to fucking request it so many times on the jukebox, please just make it official.

6. Any song that Barry Manilow every wrote.

The Mockalester College orchestra will begin learning the new song as soon as results are released in September. Springfest 2004 will headline the new school song by the original artist.