An international student who recently acquired United States citizenship said he is suffering from a major identity crisis. Apu Nahasapeemapetilon ’04, originally from New Delhi, India, complained that he found his naturalization was having peculiar effects on his personality and social life.

Nahasapeemapetilon said that he had suddenly acquired a taste for very American food products. “I find myself consuming large quantities of peanut butter and root beer and I now have a quart of low-fat milk a day.”

He said that he plans to have more fun at certain holidays such as Superbowl Sunday and Thanksgiving. “I always celebrated Thanksgiving in a sort of half-assed way. Now I don’t think I could say no to seconds of turkey and stuffing!”

Nahasapeemapetilon also grumbled that he was always made to be an Indian in the Thanksgiving pageants at his middle school in Houston, Texas, but relishes the fact that now only his skin color could keep him from being a Pilgrim.

He plans to be on a strict personal regimen this summer to become better equipped for life in his adopted homeland. “I want to try to perfect the arts of keg-stands and booty-dancing,” he said confidently. “I also want to erase metric measurements from my brain as I really don’t see when I’m ever going to use them again.”

However, Nahasapeemapetilon said that he had not anticipated the numerous negative effects his citizenship had on his social life. “The other international students don’t take me seriously any more,” he noted unhappily. “They give me shit about my newfound respect for American culture.”

Nahasapeemapetilon also said that he was thinking about dropping his Economics and International Studies double major and instead taking up Humanities and Cultural Studies with a core in Sociology.

Despite the social and psychological trauma he is enduring, Nahasapeemapetilon seems to enjoy his newfound status as a non-International student on campus. “I don’t ever have to see the International Center again,” he said. “And I am now free to bitch and moan about how Bush is the President I never voted for.”

He also plans to buy a gun, pitch for the Mockalester baseball team and write the Great American Novel.