In an attempt to further their stranglehold over Mockalester dining facilities the catering service Bon Appetit bought out seven rival eateries, including Pad Thai, Breadsmith, Red Fish Blue, The Groveland Tap, Coffee News Café, Dunn Bros. and the St. Clair Broiler.

The newly-acquired outlets are being divided into sections based on their geographical location in relation to the campus. Dunn Bros. and Breadsmith are now North-East, Pad Thai, Red Fish Blue and Coffee News will now make up North-west. The Tap and the Broiler are now South-West and South-East respectively.

Most of the employees will be staying on as servers, each one carefully instructed to give only one serving on any item, even if more than one is ordered. A committee of higher-ranked Bon Appetit employees is in the process of thinking up catchy names for each new station.

Economic analysts on campus are comparing the move to the popular board game Monopoly. “This is a devastating move for competitors,” said outgoing President Mockael MockPherson. “My phone has been ringing all day and night with complaints, but my hands are tied.”

The Machiavellian strategy will affect off-campus students more than those residing on campus. For the sake of convenience, many will have to go back to the old system of limited eating hours and crappy deals on flex dollars.

“I’m going to have to take the 14 meals a week option,” complained Doreen Tyler ’04, “I’m too lazy to make my own food and I don’t have the will power to go anywhere that’s farther away.”

“I thought I was done with tomato-less pizza, curly fries and Street Food from Kerblakastan,” said Gus Andersson ’05, “but now I realize I’m doomed to eat at Café Mac for another two years.”

Bon Appetit, which does not plan on obtaining a liquor license, will stop serving alcohol at any of the above restaurants. Legally-aged students are horrified by this decision, although the owners of Park Liquor are not.

A malicious rumor has also recently surfaced that Bon Appetit, or those closely allied to it, were behind this year’s fire that put Vietnamese eatery Huong-Sen, a major rival, out of operation. However, these accusations are most probably baseless.