Winton health services is good for more than free Advil and contraceptives. A report detailing the results of an intensive three-year study presents radical new approaches to treating childhood leukemia. The report released earlier this week recommends that children suffering from leukemia remain well hydrated, get eight or more hours of sleep a night and avoid full-contact sports. The report reveals that over half of children who are diagnosed with leukemia are “just faking it.” Research coordinator John Luqqs said, “lots of kids see it on television and put up a good act just to get attention. They start spending all their time in bed and their muscles atrophy and it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. If your kid starts complaining about any of the obvious symptoms the last thing you want to do is encourage the behavior by seeking medical attention. If the kid really is sick with leukemia give him lots of water make sure he gets decent sleep. Tell him no more ice cream, hehe, that’s the best way to root out the impostors.”

Joe Smits, assistant director of research for the study, said that his favorite part of the study was when they made kids in the advanced stage of leukemia chug an entire gallon of milk in under an hour. “They were throwing up all over the place, on their stuffed animals and balloon bouquets and everything, hehe, that was a real hoot. That part of the study doesn’t appear in the study because my notes got drenched in vomit and someone said that we might have been violating ethical codes, which is probably true, I think it was kind of one of those one of ‘you had to be there to appreciate it’ kind of moments.”

The results have catapulted the small building on the corner of Snelling and Grand into the national spotlight. Students have been surprised to see the normally bushy-browed Nurse Bob smiling. People have been lining up to get their long-overdue tetanus-diphtheria shots.