It’s time that someone knocked James’ socks on his ass. Spotlight on Spotlight editor James M. Hamilton. Jesus, if that’s not post-modern I don’t know what is.

 

Sarah- James.

James- Yeah.

 

[Long pause while I write what’s been said so far.]

 

Have you been thinking about this? … Do you have your questions already? … You have to stop writing and ask me a question at some point… I have to stop talking. Jesus Christ.

 

[At this point Heyward walks in the room and says “telephone for you Jimmy Jim.”]

 

Seriously? I’ll be right back Sarah.

 

[James leaves and returns]

 

It was for Emily.

 

The phone wasn’t for you?

No.

 

Then why did Heyward say it was?

Because he thought it was.

 

Enough about Heyward’s shortcomings. What’s your favorite color James?

Fuckin eh … blue.

 

What shade?

Powder to baby.

 

What’s it like to be from Edina?

Jesus …

 

[Extremely long pause. I remind James that he needs to be witty.]

 

That’s the worst part! I’m stumped. That’s a complex question. Can we come back to it?

 

[I give a patronizing nod.]

 

Tell me about geography.

It’s an amazing department. The ‘Queen of Majors’ if you will.

 

Who’s the king?

Josh Gatling.

 

What’s with the bees?

Those eighth grade parents are sons of bitches. They heckle the refs like you wouldn’t believe.

 

Sounds rough. So, you’re a ref?

Actually, I was registration.

 

Loud and clear Edina-boy. What do you think of Dan Horbach?

I think that in the battle of Dan Hornbach and James Hamilton there was a clear winner. In other words, a victor has risen.

 

Open-ended James, what else do I need to know?

See, this is my problem too. You get to this point in the interview and you expect the other person to just take over but I’m not going to do it. You have to ask more questions.

 

Favorite movie?

Butch Cassidy.

 

What about Urban Cowboy?

What about Urban Cowboy? Hottest movie on the market. For sure. I think that John Travolta proved that , well, before he joined that cultish religion, that he could dance. Have you ever waited tables? Wait, you are a waitress, right?
 

James, I’m asking the questions here.

Hmpf. I know whre you learned that one. I’ve always wanted to be a waiter.
 

Why, cause you feel guilty about your privileged Edina upbringing?

Ouch, leading question. I like good customer service. I just want to give a little back to the community of customer service.
 

That barely makes sense James.

You should see what goes on behind these beautiful browns.
 

What are you going to do post-graduation?

You already know this Sarah. I’m working as newspaper editor for the State Fair.
 

Edina.

What? What?
 

I was there last night. At Marty’s.

Marty who?
 

Keiner.
 

[Obviously impressed.]

Oh… oooohhhhhhhh.
 

[Long pause. James continues to evade the Edina question and headbangs to music on WMCN.]
 

It’s a multi-faceted issue.
 

We’re done here.

That’s the lamest answer I’ve ever given to a question. Ever.