Oh, Pinocchio Depardieu (the adoptive son of celebrated French actor, Gerard Depardieu)... Pinocchio, kind but naive in nature, was only 19 years old (in lumber years) when he first dialed Ms. Cleo’s Psychic Hotline. “I was so young,” he reminisced. “I had just graduated from high school and was headed for a promising career in the world of dentistry… I just wanted to know what the future held in store for me. I had no idea what I was getting myself into.” At this point in the interview, a nearly hysterical Pinocchio had to pause and recollect his cool, as he was on the verge of shedding real, wooden tears.

“My first filtration with the world of fortune telling came with my conversing with the Psychic Friends Network, “ He finally continued. “They told me that I would look for love in all the wrong places. They were unmistakably accurate in their visions. I looked for love in a fireplace and was severely burned – both literally and metaphorically speaking. It was a difficult period in my life; people often mistook me for a common branch or pole. The kids taunted me and called me ‘Justin TIMBER –lake.’ I was mortified. I found a friend in nobody… until I found a friend in Ms. Cleo.”

Young Depardieu stopped now to slightly reshape his disproportionate head with a sandblaster. “Ms. Cleo finally opened my eyes to the truth – she told me that I’m not a real boy… nor will I ever be,” he paused. “I’ve been lied to my whole life. I’m made of wood. Sweet sassy goodness, I’m made of wood! I had been in the deep spiral of denial until Ms. Cleo opened up my eyes. She told me that my wooden fingers were not delicate enough for the school of dental hygiene – that I would undoubtedly fail. She sawed away my dreams. She transformed my tree-like confidence into a toothpick…” Pinocchio proceeded, more bitter now. More woodened by life’s troubles. “But, in the end, I have only her to thank. Without her I would never have thought of entering the world of professional modeling. It seems only obvious now. I am, after all, the epitome of rugged and outdoorsy. I am also French, n’est-ce pas?” Oui, Mr. Depardieu. Oui indeed.