Watching television last night I saw a public service announcement about abstinence. You know the type. It started with a few images of semi-attractive teenagers staring into the camera saying things like, “I know I’m not ready” and “talk to me, I’ll listen.” Next, a soothing female voice came out of nowhere: “You may think your child isn’t having sex, but you’ll never really know unless you talk to them.” The PSA ended with Tony Danza (cheers to you if you don’t know who he is) somberly saying, in the spirit of anti-drug propaganda, “Just say ‘not yet’ to sex.”

Well, I’ve got a question for you, Tony Danza. When? Sure, we can all agree that middle school girls shouldn’t be giving blow jobs and eight-year-old boys shouldn’t know what a “cooch” is, but honestly, who decides that high school kids are too young to have sex?

As a binge consumer of mass media, I’ve found that I’m presented with a short span of time in which the conservative media feels it is acceptable for me to have sex. In the most extreme case, the timeline is as follows:
 

Middle school years: Despite the fact that Britney is my favorite pop superstar, I should be unable to determine what Justin meant when he said he “hit that shit.”
 

High school years: I have a boyfriend and we have those classic urges late at night in the rec room after the movie is over. Although half of my friends claim to have sex, it’s not socially acceptable for me to investigate what’s going on in my track-star boyfriend’s pants.
 

College: This is an area upon which the conservative media does not focus. What, are we too hot to handle?
 

After College: Assuming I made it through college with a few experiences of which I am ashamed, I graduate with a serious boyfriend. At this point, we are expected to get married and then have sex.
 

Of course, we all know where I’ll be at 30 if I follow this pattern. I will have had a few kids and lost interest and time. My husband will have gained a few pounds and the memory of traumatic experiences as a youth will put an end to the astonishing erections of yesteryear. Horny and having realized what we were missing, it will be too late for worthwhile sex. Like a vast amount of unhappy thirty-somethings today, we will shamefully turn to cheap tricks like Viagra, role-playing and mutual masturbation. How pathetic is that?

If the average American obeys the laws of conservative media propaganda and lives their life like Lucy on Seventh Heaven, they’ll miss the best fucking years of their life (pun intended). The truth is that practice makes perfect. Much like a young violinist, what begins as a hobby in youth soon becomes life’s love. Indeed, the sooner you start, the better you’ll be and the more fun you’ll have while you can.

And so I say to you, Tony Danza and your conservative friends “leave the kids alone!” Maybe if all those semi-attractive high school kids started banging each other now, they’ll be able to keep it up (pun blatantly intended) when they’re thirty.