Exiting the Metrodome following my beloved Twins’ four-game annihilation at the hands of The Evil Empire, emotionally and physically drained from the drunken haze they forced me into just one night earlier as a result of their abysmal Game 3 performance, I knew the incessant taunts of my Yankee-loving roommate were sure to hit me upon my arrival back at my “this is a little too close to Midway to be paying this much for rent” homestead. Undoubtedly he would be wearing his Yankee paraphernalia, ready to scream about “Yankee pride”—whatever that is anyway.

“Wait a second Jake,” I thought to myself, “maybe this is just the mid-game aspirin binge talking, or maybe it’s the whippets, or the JD, or even the left over battery acid from our neighbors meth lab, but I swear my roommate disappeared at the start of school, without any number or address to reach him at, with no way for us to even find out if he’s okay, leaving no one to correct my run on sentences.”

“That’s impossible,” I said aloud, overweight dads in Torii Hunter jerseys throwing confused glances my way. “My roommates and I have known this guy for four years; he wouldn’t just disappear.” But he is gone, and I have to figure out a way to figure out if he’s okay and if he’s coming back. Thus, in his spirit, I will preview the remaining playoffs as though he would likely see it.

Red Sox vs. Yankees

Boston in four. After their unbelievable five-game victory over the A’s, this may finally be the Red Sox’s year. Finally. It’s been a long time for Red Sox fans, but the “curse of the Bambino” is overrated. As Boston ace Pedro Martinez said, “there’s no curse. Dig up the Babe out of his grave and have him face me, maybe I’ll drill him in the ass.” Well said, Pedro. How can you not cheer for Boston to beat New York? The inferiority complex Sox fans walk around with every day is depressing enough to root for them. Rooting for the Yankees is like rooting for Brad Pitt to get the girl, Bill Gates to make his rent payment or Macalester to win the MIAC in soccer. You know it’s gonna happen, so why not root for the underdog (except for Macalester in soccer—they just destroy everyone and it’s fun to watch every time)? Seriously though, Boston’s offense is incredible and New York’s bullpen and defense are atrocious, and that will become obvious throughout this series. And if this doesn’t happen, as was the case in the previous 85 seasons for Red Sox fans, there’s always next year!

Cubs vs. Marlins

Cubs in seven. After their unbelievable five-game victory over the Braves, this may finally be the Cubs’ year. Finally. It’s been a long time for Cubs fans, but the…oh shit, I started this paragraph the same way as the last one. Whatever, it’s 6:30 p.m. and this article is due at 7. Besides, Joe Morgan picked the Cubs in this series, and as anyone who watches ESPN knows, Morgan’s analysis is among the best in broadcasting.

Morgan: “See, right here, he’s trying to just keep balanced. The thing is, in baseball, balance is the key. And the key here is to just keep your weight, you know, centered, and just move your weight, you know, and let your balance create power. Sammy Sosa, because he, you know, because he’s a professional hitter, he knows to hit you have to balance. Watch right here…(long delay as ESPN crew frantically tries to come up with what replay Morgan is talking about)…see here, boom, see he just pulls that ball out to left field, and that’s just because of his, because of his balance.”

Morgan’s partner (Trying to somehow validate Morgan’s incoherent utterance): “Well, that’s a good point Joe…(another, long, awkward pause)…two and two the count to Ramirez.”

Leicester City vs. Tottenham Hotspur

Tottenham 9-0. Veering slightly off-course with my playoff preview here, but I just don’t think Leicester City has it this year. Disagree with me? Think Leicester’s defense will withstand the potent Tottenham counterattack? E-mail me, let me know you disagree. Or call to voice your disapproval. Send a letter. Do something. Anything.

Cubs vs. Red Sox

Series ends in 3-3 tie. How can you pick a winner between these two teams? I can’t. My prediction: a crazed umpire pulls out a knife and attacks Red Sox superstar Manny Ramirez after a disputed call at home plate. Despite dozens of cops and both teams on the field, they let the ump and Ramirez battle it out guerrilla warfare-style in a huge rainstorm until Ramirez beats the umpire to death, canceling the game. Because this of course is a completely believable ending to a game, or a movie, like for example the 1995 thriller The Fan (which airs on ESPN Classic almost every Sunday night). Whoa, the ADD kicked in again there. Hold on a second. Focus! Are there distractions hindering my achieving this task? How can I minimize these distractions? Have I set a goal time for finishing this task? Okay. So if you want to enter a playoff pool but just don’t know who to pick, take my advice, it will be a Red Sox-Cubs World Series. These two teams are just destined to…wait a second…what the hell am I talking about? Just sell your soul to Satan and pick the Yankees.