One of the first things I noticed upon my arrival at Macalester was the paradisiacal beauty of the campus. The sun welcomed me with its warm rays, the wind spread the sweet perfume of nature in the air and Fall herself bestowed a rainbow of colors to the majestic trees that guard our college like the walls of a fortress. And to add even more liveliness to this little piece of Eden, small brown fluffy squirrels jumped from tree to tree as if lost in the melodious rhythm of an Austrian waltz. What a serene place, I thought! What a heavenly panorama!

But soon my mind was detracted from contemplation by a custom known as International Student Orientation. Each day I was bombed with information, and the schedule—conceived with the precision of a Swiss clock maker—literally engulfed all time once devoted to my spiritual endeavors. But after a week, Orientation was over. As I gradually adjusted to college life, I began to develop a sense of routine, and it was not for long before I restarted contemplating heaven on earth again. But now it was all different. Now I could see reality as it was, not as my veil of first-year idealism made it look. Now it was scary. Now it was threatening!

In the beginning, I was thrilled with the presence of the petite fluffy snuff-colored creatures that animated our campus. But now I saw: there was no fluffiness; there was no sense of being in front of one of nature’s small and harmless beings; there was fear and there was disgust, for these innocent looking squirrels are not so innocent at all. What they really are are beasts! Vicious, fat, ferocious beasts! And if we do not do something, these barbarian rodents are bound to take over our lives!

In the beginning, I thought their jumping from tree to tree was an epitome of the freedom one enjoys in the state of nature. Now I could see that they were not jumping for the sake of manifesting freedom, but for the sake of copulation! What can we students, as future global citizens, learn from this outrageous display of depravity?

In the beginning, I felt as if I had to somehow protect these innocuous beings. It was my duty, as a member of a higher species, to do that. Now I can fully confess that these miniature leviathans do not have any respect for us, nor are they conscientious of the inferior position evolution has attributed to them. If they did, why would they cut us off on our way to class? Two days ago, one actually tried to harass me. There I was, reading on one of the benches near the library, when a squirrel descended on a branch and threatened me with screeching sounds. Its demonic eyes assailed me and I was left with no choice but to escape the ambush!

Friends, to all of this I say: ENOUGH! Let us unite before the enemy becomes too strong! Let us join forces and stand ready to respond, before the enemy uses its Weapons of Mass Destruction to blow up the campus! Let us build a Coalition of the Willing against these uncivilized beasts! And together, we will defend freedom and we shall stand proud and face the enemy in battle. And victory shall be ours! But we must realize that if we do not act now, our entire existence may be obliterated by this great rodent conspiracy!