The idea seemed simple enough: meet Jovana Trkulja at her house, ask her a few questions, arrange for a photo to be taken and regurgitate the results onto the back page of The Mac Weekly with enough time to leaf through my fresh new issue of In Touch.

But, as I learned on a fateful Tuesday evening, things are never that simple when you cross the threshold of Jovana’s home at 1463 Portland. What was meant to be a one-on-one in-depth gaze into the mind of one Macalester student devolved into a cacophony of shrieks, giggles, and inscrutable inside jokes on the part of her other present housemates Rhea Datta ‘05, Farah Mawla ‘05, Tyler Wood ‘04, and (pushing the consonants to vowels ratio off-the-charts) Andrew Kraczkiewicz ’05.

During the interview, I quickly realized I needed to change my normally laid-back interview tactics. I needed to assert my authority. I needed to lay down the law. I needed to pose questions that were incisive, divisive, and could somehow slow down the conversation enough for me to make meaningful notes. The results?
 

1463 Portland Answers the TOUGH Questions
 

SHANE: So, with all of you living in the same house, do you sort of have each of your roles worked out?

ANDREW: Well, Tyler always cleans the bathrooms. And I always piss on the toilet seat.

FARAH: And Mladen [Nisavic, ‘05] eats all the food.

SHANE: Where is Mladen? Doesn’t he live here?

JOVANA: He’s in the basement.

FARAH: Playing video games.

ANDREW: Mladen’s our resident gamer. And Rhea and Jovana are the resident cooks.

SHANE: So if your house were a food what would it be?

ANDREW: Um. . . Beef stew?

JOVANA: No, not beef stew. Beef stew is too boring.

FARAH: Probably chili. Porkless chili, because I don’t eat pork. Or maybe lentil soup.

RHEA: No, not lentil soup. Lentil soup is boring. We’d be a big masala.

JOVANA: Yes, a big mix of everything.

TYLER: Or we’d be yogurt. Because it’s a sample of living cultures. Get it?

SHANE: OK, next question. Which is the best fabric?

FARAH: Silk. Definitely silk.

RHEA: If I were a fabric, I’d be burlap. Or jute.

SHANE: What’s jute?

RHEA: It’s the same as burlap.

JOVANA: Just plain cotton. Cotton is the best. It’s just simplicity.

SHANE: Which is better: Latex or non-latex paint?

FARAH: What’s the difference?

TYLER: I know this one. Latex is better for easy clean-up.

SHANE Who is going to win the Presidential election?

FARAH and JOVANA: Bush.

RHEA: Nader! Nader. We are a house of hopefuls. So Nader is going to win.

JOVANA: Yes, but we are also a house of realists and Bush is going to win.

FARAH: Bush will definitely win.

TYLER: Yeah, but remember that none of these people can vote. Kerry’s going to win.

SHANE: [gesturing to Jovana’s shirt that reads “Mango Addict”] What the hell does your shirt mean?

JOVANA: It’s just a franchise. A Spanish clothing franchise.

SHANE: It’s called “Mango?”

JOVANA: Yes, that’s all it is. Like the Gap or something.

FARAH: And she’s addicted to it.

SHANE: OK, for everyone now. If the four elements had a war, which one would win?

ANDREW: Heart.

FARAH: Heart? Andrew thinks Heart is an element.

RHEA: Andrew’s been watching Captain Planet.

ANDREW: Yes, I have. I watch it every day at 9:00 PM.

SHANE: Captain Planet is on TV at 9:00?

ANDREW: No. I was kidding. But Heart would win because there’s a little bit of heart in everything.

RHEA: Earth would win.

JOVANA: Yes, Earth. Because all things come from the earth. The Virgos have spoken.

SHANE: OK, speaking of the earth, of the 3 R’s in ecology—Reduce, Reuse, and Recycle—which is best?

RHEA: Reduction is the most important, because it has the best effect on the environment. It’s the most effective way to reduce the amount of waste out there.

FARAH: It’s definitely not reusing. Reusing is dirty. Recycling is the best because it’s clean.

RHEA: But it’s not as good as reducing. Because even if you’re recycling, you’re still using resources during the recycling process. It’s not as effective as reducing or reusing.

FARAH: But it’s the cleanest.

[an argument ensues among all five regarding the various merits of the 3 R’s]

JOVANA: None of this matters anyway, because we don’t do any of the three in this house anyway.

TYLER: That’s not true. We reuse things all the time.

RHEA: Don’t say that we don’t recycle.

JOVANA: We don’t.

RHEA: But is there any reason to say that in the paper?

SHANE: Of the countries represented by the house residents, which one is the best?

JOVANA: Serbia.

FARAH: Jordan.

RHEA: India.

TYLER: Obviously, this country is the best since this is where all of you came to. I never went to any of your countries, but you all came here.

RHEA: That’s not true! You went to India and you wanted to stay there!

[Here, a playful but passionate nationalistic debate ensued. It was all well and good, but it was far too difficult to record the conversation what with the overlapping and cutting off and shouting. In the interest of creating a coherent Spotlight, I resisted every Macalester instinct in my body and ended the “interview” with a series of binary queries]

Shane: Tanning—yes or no?

RHEA & JOVANA: No.

FARAH: [to Jovana] But you had a really deep tan after this summer!

JOVANA: Yes, but it was not a fake tan.

FARAH: Oh, a fake tan? Eiw. No.

SHANE: Hilary Duff or Lindsay Lohan?

RHEA: Lindsay Lohan. Hilary Duff is annoying and she dresses badly.

FARAH: Hilary Duff. She’s blonde.

JOVANA: Who the hell is Hilary Duff?

SHANE: Which is the better continent: Antarctica or Australia?

ANDREW: Antarctica. It has ice fishing.

JOVANA: Antarctica because it is still so unexplored.

FARAH: It’s cold in Antarctica.

JOVANA: But it is the unexplored.

TYLER: Australia has didgeridoos.

RHEA: And Australia broke off from the land mass so it has all these animals like marsupials and ostriches.

SHANE: Which is better: cellular phones or calling cards?

RHEA, ANDREW & JOVANA: Calling cards!

FARAH: See, you all say you hate cell phones, but then you all are always wanting to use mine!

ANDREW: I have a cell phone but I don’t like it. Cell phones cause brain cancer. It’s handy, but it’s bad for your brain.

RHEA: And with calling cards you don’t have to sign a contract of make a commitment. I already have a vice [gesturing to her cigarettes] and I already have a commitment [gesturing to Tyler] so I don’t need a cell phone.

SHANE: Since this was supposed to be your spotlight, Jovana, can you tell us what your plans are for the future?

JOVANA: Right now I’m applying to jobs in consulting.

SHANE: You’re applying for jobs already?

JOVANA: Already. Right now is the prime time to get on the job market.

SHANE: Why consulting?

JOVANA: It’s a job that lets me use both my majors, Econ and Geography.

SHANE: So you’re hoping to stay in the Twin Cities?

JOVANA: Hopefully. Whatever I end up doing, I don’t want to lose my family that I have here. I don’t want to be without my toilet pisser, my toilet cleaner, and my cook.