Hat of the Week

Take a baby. Make him big, no, make him fat. Really fat. Add some gray hair and give him jowls. Teach him baseball. Throw in a hint of Pillsbury Doughboy, a sprinkling of George C. Scott and a generous helping of bourbon. Oh, and make him old. Really old. Like 72. The result, dear reader, is Don Zimmer.

The said Don Zimmer is the veteran bench coach for the infamous New York Yankees baseball franchise. On Saturday, in Game 3 of the American League Championship Series, Zimmer, who I repeat is 72 years old, charged and swung a punch at the Boston Red Sox’s ace pitcher Pedro Martinez. Martinez deftly avoided the swing, grabbed Zimmer by the head and flung him to the ground, opening a cut on the bridge of Zimmer’s nose.

When the dust settled from the incident and a Band-Aid was applied to Zimmer’s nose, the accusations started flying.

In New York City, Martinez’s action constitutes a crime, at least according to the mayor. “If that happened in New York we would have arrested the perpetrator,” a very angry Mayor Michael Bloomberg said.

What would you do if a 72-year-old man who is double your weight tries to cause you bodily harm?

Yankees’ head coach Joe Torre offered his opinion. “As we all know, Don Zimmer is a very emotional, shoot-from-the-hip guy,” he said. Fortunately, Zimmer did not have a six-shooter on him at the game.
 

Sweatshirt of the Week

The other big loser of the week in the baseball world is Steve Bartman, 26, a Little League coach described as a “diehard Cubs fan” by friends. Bartman reached out and caught a fly-ball in foul territory which was almost certainly going to be caught by Cubs’ fielder Moises Alou. The Marlins proceeded to score eight runs in that inning and when the game was over, it was Bartman who was primarily blamed by fans and analysts for the Cubs’ loss in Game 6 of the National League Championship Series against the Florida Marlins.

Bartman faced violent consequences, as Cubs fans around him started yelling “Kill him!” As expected, security personnel escorted Bartman out of the stadium before his fellow fans could act on their desires.

His identity was withheld for a few days and speculation raged. The Minneapolis Star-Tribune observed that the woman who appeared to be accompanying him was wearing a Hamline sweatshirt and speculated that he had some connection with Minnesota. Turns out they were wrong.

But everything is not bad for Bartman. Florida’s Governor Jeb Bush has offered him asylum in the Sunshine State, and a number of hotels have offered him free lodgings in case he has to flee Chicago. Bartman is probably kicking himself for not doing the same against the Anaheim Angels.