I’ve been trying to trace the origin of the word hobo. I think it’s safe to assume that the word is a combination of two. I originally thought it was a derivation of homeless bum, but then I realized we would be calling them hobu’s instead.

If the matrix was real, do you think it would allow the matrix world to have a movie about the matrix? I would think the matrix is smarter than that.

February is Black History Month and March is Women’s History month, then when is Pedophiles History Month? I need a month to remind me of what my people have accomplished.

I think it would be better for newspapers to have more articles ending in “Just Kidding.”

One time, a kid asked me what came first, the chicken or the egg. I explained to him that it was most likely the egg, because the chicken evolved from other egg-laying birds. Therefore, it is safe to assume that the egg came first. He shot me in the leg and ran home.

If my computer could, it would probably say, “Hey, put on some pants.”

Why can’t rappers be happy? For people who are able to rhyme so well, you’d think they’d be able talk about respecting others’ beliefs and the joy of a dollar well earned.

I think “Rookie of the Year” was the best documentary of the ’90s, hands-down.

I read about all the odd connections between Lincoln and Kennedy. For example, Lincoln was assassinated in a theatre and the assassin hid in a warehouse, while Kennedy was assassinated from a warehouse and the assassin hid in a theatre. Also, Lincoln had a secretary named Kennedy, whereas, Kennedy had a secretary named Lincoln. But I just can’t get over the connection that both of them were presidents. Spooky.

The Surgeon General warnings on cigarettes are getting old. They should have one that says, “Stop ignoring me. I can help you. I may be the Surgeon General, but I am also a friend.” Maybe then people will stop smoking to get friends.

If you’ve ever seen the miracle of a baby being born, you’d probably think twice about eating it.

Blondes get a pretty hard rap. I mean, if I was that stupid, I wouldn’t want people to make fun of me to my face and me not get it.

Does the name Slovakia sound just as stupid a country name for people who live in Slovakia?

If there is a Life cereal, a Life board game, and a Life magazine, who has the trademark? If they were smart, they’d combine their resources and make an edible and informative board game. Plus, how come there are no products with the Death trademark? Something tells me a Death cereal would blow Cheerios right out of the water.

Do mailmen judge us? I know my mailman sees all my porno magazines and my subscription to “Bi-curious Weekly.” Maybe he understands I’m just searching for love in all the wrong places.

Do bass players know how useless they are?

If Martin Sheen and Charlie Sheen are related, how come they have different first names?

I miss Crystal Clear Pepsi. It was as if a beautiful angel flew too close to the sun, lost its wings in the heat, fell to the ground, and cost Pepsi millions of dollars.

I wouldn’t be so opposed to tax hikes if I didn’t have to buy new boots and a flannel shirt.

I think people need to be more careful about what they throw in the trash. I’ve heard that there are these things called grouches that can get pretty angry if you don’t recycle.

Don’t worry about global warming. Once the ice caps melt, the water will cool down to a brisk 38 degrees Fahrenheit across the world. Just cold enough for milkshakes!!!

Men are so uptight over hair loss. I think men need to understand that they will become more aerodynamic when totally bald. Maybe then women wouldn’t dominate the sprint-running circuit.

A wise man once told me to be careful what you wish for. If Jimmy Carter were alive today, I’d have to thank him for that piece of advice.

The polar bears are up to something. Just you wait and see.

Love is a funny thing. I can love a woman, I can love a sofa, I can love chocolate, I can love a lot of things. Yet, when I try to make love to those things, it’s all of a sudden a bad thing.