Dear Rock Hardy and Fleshy Fox,

When I was a first-year, a Macalester senior told me: “By the time you’re a senior, you can’t walk between the Campus Center and the library without seeing at least four people who you’ve had sex with.” Well, I’m a junior, and I’ve only seen someone who I’ve “done it” with during that special walk once – and it was HORRIBLE. How can I avoid this experience again? Please tell me some creative ways to avoid making that one night stand a semester-long game of hide and seek.

Sincerely,

Need Avoidance Strategies This Year
 

Dear NASTY:

Why do you think that some people on campus run everywhere? It’s because they’ve gotten SO MUCH ASS that they have to avoid EVERYONE. However, if you’re out of shape, here are some other short-term solutions: 1) Go ahead and tell them about that vaginal infection (erectile dysfunction, etc.) that you haven’t quite been able to shake; 2) Wear headphones everywhere you go. Sing along LOUDLY if you see the person approaching; 3) Work at the reference desk and/or interlibrary loan; 4) Change your voice mail message to Dr. Dre’s classic tune “Bitch Don’t Call Here Anymore”; 5) Get with it, NASTY. If you can put on a condom/dental dam, you can say hello to the person you used it with. Remember: oral sex is not like a handshake.

Sincerely,

Rocky and Fleshy

P.S. Emergency Contraception is now available at Winton Health Services. Still, screw safely.