I’d like to offer my gratitude to all the talented men and women at the U.S. Mint for their breathtaking new, more secure 20 dollar bill. Take a look; put it to your nose and smell humanity’s grandest artistic achievement. I’ve been shelling out 21 bucks apiece for these beauties. Color-shifting ink—looks like a goddamn Van Gogh. And how about that handsome bald eagle in blue? It’s almost as wonderful as wealth itself. Listen, with money this spectacular, who can question capitalism? I’d love to see the look on the faces of all the tax-and-spend liberals when they catch a glimpse of these brilliant new Jacksons. It’s a visual masterpiece and it offers a peek into the exciting future of legal tender. For poor people, who may not have had the chance to spot one, I will explain the changes.

The new 20 has many of the same characteristics of the previous version. Jackson’s head is large and hard to draw, the security-enhancing strip remains, and it’s still good for all debts, public and private.

While applauding the Mint by maintaining these classic features, the new bill boldly challenges traditional monetary conventions. Along with the time-honored green, it incorporates shades of blue, peach, gold, red, yellow, black, and off-white. Jackson is no longer framed in an oval border, allowing the eyes to glide evenly about the piece— A+ for that. The White House on the back is surrounded, not by empty space, but by 90 of the bill’s 98 numerical notations of a score (“twenty” is spelled-out five times) leaving no doubt that the money is indeed worth 20 dollars, which in turn increases consumer confidence. And who wants to do all that busywork copying those down? Not me and not a professional counterfeiter, who, by the way, would obviously need to buy an expensive multicolor ink-jet printer. The back even has puffy white clouds to signify sky, replacing the old standard of parallel arches and lending a greater degree of realism to the piece.

Demand for money is sure to rise. Thus, I’m certain we’ll see an increase in productivity. I’ve already picked up a second job pushing old twenties for ten bucks a pop (two sales and I can buy a new one). Furthermore, Yanni will write more songs, Denny Hecker will sell more cars and Time-Warner will begin an aggressive campaign to dominate the mass media. We’ll also see the value of the dollar climb in foreign markets. While it doesn’t have all the glitz and glamour of the old 1000 Lire, it kicks the 10 Euro’s ass to high heaven. Didn’t you see the commercial? The mother-fucker can balance on your finger. The Yen, the Peso, the Shilling- none of them stand a chance. Now, I’m no economy expert, but if I were I would have the same opinion.

Before I get everyone all worked up about this new slip, I should say that I’ve not always been a big fan of the money makers. Ohio, my home state, prides itself on producing such pioneers of flight as the Wright Brothers and John Glenn. And it was recognized for this in a 50 state commemorative edition of the quarter with an embossment of a bi-plane and a space man. Great, no problem—thank you. Nevertheless, this “honor” was soon humiliatingly diluted when North Carolina was acknowledged for being “First in Flight” (with an embossment of a bi-plane). You know why? ‘Cause that’s where they flew the fucking plane. Now I know that NC doesn’t have the concentrated brain-power that Ohio does, but didn’t they invent the seedless watermelon or some shit like that?

Sorry, that’s sort of personal for me; I get worked up about how my money looks. Don’t let it sour you to this overall fine institution. They’ve got good intentions. In fact, I’d like everyone to write their government officials, show your approval and maybe we can keep this pretty.