Multiculturalism. Budget deficits. Lack of ping-pong. These are the issues facing Macalester today.

Wanting to do our part to help the college, and not having a goddamn clue how to address the first two issues, we and our housemates decided to host the greatest ping-pong tournament in Macalester's history last Saturday.

Throngs of ping-pong players rolled in literally by the pair, and dozens more, old and gray, will look down at little Johnny sitting on their lap and say, "I was there for that glorious day, grandson, I was there," before taking another swig of JD and falling asleep.

The tournament did kick off on a down note, however, as several would-be participants stunned tournament organizers by pulling out at the last minute in McPherson-like form. "When the stock's down, you gotta sell. I'm leaving to play in a higher-paying tournament in Illinois," said one anonymous would-be player. "You gotta strike while the iron's hot, baby Whoo Daddy's gettin' a new pair of shoes "

As one of the remaining participants entered the dusty old "arena," he commented, "Hmm … since such a large proportion of you and your friends—I'm guessing around 20 percent—play ping-pong, it is strange that you as a house still have not renovated your ping-pong facilities.

"After all, that would be like forcing the baseball, tennis and track teams to all practice within one field house at the same time. Or like, if the football and basketball teams didn't have adequate facilities to improve their strength and fitness. Maybe if you had better ping-pong facilities, more people would want to come to your place to play ping-pong, and you'd all get better and have fun. Then you wouldn't be at a disadvantage to houses with better facilities.

"I mean, you guys built that huge new kitchen and casual area in your house but you only use it to eat. That seems like such a waste."

After quickly pondering the matter, and shortly after dismissing it as "stupid athlete mumbo-jumbo," the House Board then quickly approved turning the old kitchen into a bunch of offices and a big floor that the housemates will use two or three times a year.

The tournament organizers faced yet another snafu when, after playing two matches, players were forced to put their belongings on the street to accommodate new players.

One player asked tournament co-organizer Tyler Morken-Simmers, "Hmm … when you guys advertised the tournament, you implied we could keep our belongings within the house property for the entire tournament. But only halfway through the tournament, you have thrown my belongings onto the street and you told me to ‘take care of my own shit.' Now I've got to keep my stuff in a small place in Midway, and it's a long walk to and from your house."

"Oh, silly little man, what you don't understand is that we told you that so you would spend your $5 entry fee here instead of some other, rival tournament," Morken-Simmers replied. "And the best way to do that is to make our tournament look really nice and make false promises. But now that you're here, you gotta fend for yourself."

He then turned to Ryan Simmelink and snickered, "Ha, ha, ha Next year, we're jackin' up the entrance fee to 7 bucks "

But as for the tournament, an ass-slapping good time was had by all. A fully-clothed Dan "Dan-o" Becker recovered from a Trinity Bible College-like beating at the hands of Alex Hiller to win the consolation bracket and finish fifth. Eric "E" Brandt, after losing the third-place match, locked himself in his Dupre closet (read: single) and would have broken many things in a fit of rage had he been able to extend his arms or fit items in his room.

Third-place finisher Kheim Do Ba had great success in the tournament, using a manipulative delivery style on his serve and his shots. "Kheim's take-no-prisoner's attitude appeals to the more down-home ping-pong fan—the traditionalist, if you will," said fan Aaron Hubbard. "He even betrayed his supposed friends and associates to get a chance to win, kinda like Norm Coleman."

In the final, Jake Depue and Hiller met in a best-of-seven showdown to crown the new king of ping-pong. Hiller grabbed the momentum after winning two close opening games and never looked back, winning in a four-game sweep. "Due to my tournament win, we all decided to relentlessly ‘pimp' my name when advertising for ping-pong or anything related to our house at all," Hiller said at the awards ceremony.

Housemate Matt Tucker added his perspective on the tournament, saying, "Did you know Alex Hiller '04 played here? There's lots of pictures of him in the house and everything. No, really, it's true Maybe one day, he'll be the head of the International Ping-Pong Association."

For those of you worried that our future graduation (or dismissal) from Macalester will spell the end of ping-pong tournaments forever, don't worry, we'll probably just be at the Broiler or Coffee News in a few years, ‘cause who wants to actually go out and get a job?