I was intrigued when last week I saw an interview of Abhishek Kaicker in The Mac Weekly. Abhishek and I have had our various “run-ins” over the years and I felt like I had an accurate handle on his personality. Little did I know he’s actually a lying, conniving little piece of shit.

First of all, this “little Indian” is actually no more Indian than you, me, or other famous non-Indians such as J.J. Stokes or Puff Diddy. He is in fact a boring, lazy, filthy Canadian just like all the rest of our Northern Canuck neighbors. In fact, he is so obsessed with his fatherland of Canada that he plans on living there for the next three to five years studying in Canadian schools, despite their marked inferiority (and note, this too clashes with his plans to “visit Germany and just hang out.” What a liar).

Furthermore Abhishek claims to lead the life of an “academic.” Well, most academics I know don’t drink alcohol like it’s water and smoke crack like they’ll find the cure for cancer somewhere toward the bottom of the pipe. Abhishek, however, does. But his disgraceful social habits aside, it is his conversational skills that are his biggest weakness. In his interview, he claims to prefer not to have descriptors. This proves a problem in the real world, outside of this self-aggrandizing “interview,” wherein Abhishek actually has a total of just one topic of conversation: himself. This is true almost to a pathological extent to the point where class discussions often break down because of his psychotic vanity. For instance, should a physics professor attempt to describe the precise reactions involved in last week’s solar flares, Abhishek has been known to interject with such statements as, “No, professor! You’re wrong! In fact, the sun actually shines out of my ass!”

But more than this he is quite simply a bad human being. This one time, me and him were just walking along the sidewalk when we saw this old lady slowly trying to cross the street with her walker. Well… Abhishek, true to form, went over as if to help the poor woman, but instead suddenly kicked out her walker and ran away giggling like a school girl. See? Did you read that in his interview? No you didn’t, because that interview was full of shit.

You might also read in the article that he claims to cook Indian food often and have dinner parties on a regular basis. Well, if by “cook often” what he actually means is “never cleans the fucking dishes,” then he was telling the truth.