As much as I’m sure Macalester is infested with maniacal Star Wars nerds, I never cared much for light sabers and Ewoks. As an impressionable youth, my infatuation was captured instead by the great milestone of American cinema, the subtly entitled Masters of the Universe. In this rollicking epic, He-Man (portrayed by the preeminent thespian of our generation, the sublime Dolph Lundgren) battles his arch-nemesis Skeletor, the fate of the world hanging on our superhero’s veiny, muscled neck.

Things were easy back when I was six years old: I could separate my He-Mans from my Skeletors, while their actions were self-evidently either righteous or wicked. Now that I’m a very mature 19-year-old, I can’t help but see the world as a very complicated Masters of the Universe Part 2. The United States seems to have cast itself as He-Man, benevolent crusader for justice. Skeletor used to be an omniscient red force named Communism, but recently he’s been replaced by his illicit love-child whom he conceived with He-Man, Terrorism. Now He-Man and his bastard son Terrorism engage in an epic battle, with no conceivable victory in sight for either side. This is not a movie suitable for children.

He-Man’s old conquests have left a scorched earth that is just beginning to heal. Latin America is slowly emerging from the shackles of the Cold War interventionist legacy that He-Man left behind. In fact, some things are actually going well in that corner of the globe. Ríos Montt was emphatically told off by the Guatemalan electorate. Mass action in Bolivia is forcing change that might finally address the substantive needs of the poor. Brazil’s populist president Lula is leading the G-21 (which includes 11 other Latin American nations) in the fight for a more equitable international trade regime.

But the old logic that replaced Allende with Pinochet and Arbenz with a succession of dictators is alive and well. Unlike before, it operates under the guise of democratization instead of simply “keeping the world safe for democracy” (read: capitalism). But it is still fundamentally a misguided national security strategy, riding on the stomping of Skeletor by any means necessary.

To be fair, He-Man has learned a lesson or two: he has better intentions, but he keeps on making the same old mistakes. He funded and trained networks of fundamentalist warriors to fight the old Skeletor in Afghanistan. Boy, was that a mistake. This time, instead of trying to stop the world from hating He-Man so much, he’s invading Iraq, making more and more people think about joining up with Skeletor.

The reality is that He-Man must put down his Man-Sword and think about what he’s doing to the world. Unless he changes course soon, our protagonist will see a fruitless and protracted battle with Skeletor that will benefit not one hero or villain. I fear, however, that He-Man simply has an unshakable hard-on for ass-kicking. Only time will tell.

If this conception of world politics seems childish, that’s because global politics is childish. We all perceive the world through the lens of our childhood movies in one way or another some people just do it more explicitly than others. The absurd analogy that pervades this op-ed probably annoys you to no end, but that’s just because you wish you had thought of such a great idea first. If you take away only one thing from this article, remember this ominous quote from He-Man that closes Masters of the Universe: “I have the power!” Yes, you do, He-Man, yes, you do. And that is why I am so worried.