When I am provost, I want two secretaries. On my way into the office, I will take candy from both of their candy dishes. If my secretaries finish all of my work and I become bored, I will pit them together in a wrestling match for my own amusement. I will never make coffee.

When I return from study abroad, I want you to know what country I've spent the last semester in. I want you to look at my pictures and instantly grasp my entire life-changing experience. I want you to ask about my new necklace: I bought it in the marketplace in Chile. I want to complain about not being able to haggle at Coffee News or chew cocoa leaves in the Campus Center. I want you to buy me a plane ticket when I talk about how much I miss my host family. You are nothing like my host family.

I want tater tots. Not tater tot casserole or tater tot soup or pizza with shrimp, spinach and leeks, but tater tots: straight up—with a dab of ketchup.

When I attend an indie rock concert, it will be so fucking indie rock I will be the only Macalester student there. I will write about it in the student newspaper and wait for your praise.

I want to give a bench for the senior class gift.

I want to work as a chapel monitor. And I mean really work. I will make you pray so hard …

When I am a DJ for WMCN, you will listen to my show.

When I graduate, I will give the commencement speech. Instead of uplifting messages, I will persuade you of the Domino Theory. I will abstain from pop culture references and ask you to give back to the college after you graduate. I will unveil the new bench.

When I don't finish my homework for history class, I will spill powdered sugar on the stairs of Carnegie.

I want to know your GPA, but I really want to know your SATs.

I want to swim in the pool, but only for selected 2-hour intervals twice during the day. I will wake up at 8 a.m. to do so.

When I am director of safety and security, I will walk around campus in my urban sombrero. If you cross me, I swear to God I will punch you in the face.

When I am the sex columnist for the newspaper, I want to be completely original and "in-your-face." I will write columns about "sex toys" and relationships. I will have no room for your question about how to get that boy to fall in love with you. I will be so "in-your-face" I will have to work under a pseudonym.

When I work in the SPO, I want to read your mail. And I will.

I will grow a temporary moustache. You will find me funny and strangely cute. If that doesn't work, I will grow a temporary mullet.

I want to be on the Strategic Directions Committee for Stupid People. I will restructure your ass.

I will wear headphones on campus. Don't say hi, I am listening to Nirvana.

When I meet you, I will run home and find your name in this years' Spotlight. Your picture is by far the funniest/cutest/most clever.

When I leave Macalester, I want to live within a mile of campus. I will work in the Admissions office and write articles for The Mac Weekly. I will never leave.