Words are simply a sequence of arbitrary signs. Sometimes it seems as if we at Macalester make too big a fuss about them, but really they deserve careful scrutiny. They represent the culmination of new and unique phenomena that can’t bear to remain unnamed. A small set of letters can alter the identity of a group’s members forever. While many terms come from prolific wordsmiths like Shakespeare, others emanate from deeper within the culture. They’re coined by the small players—a perverted film critic, a slimy advertiser, a desperate academic—but somehow work their way to the tongues of pop stars and ordinary folks alike. I’ve tried to pay close attention to the terms of our time because in addition to being culturally reflective, they’re often unintentionally amusing. Here are four of the ones I’ve had the pleasure to learn this year.

Heliotherapy (meaning “indoor tanning”). How depressed are we? Seriously, how fucking depressed are we when we need to associate psychological guidance with this shallow attempt at sex appeal? It sounds like western civilization’s answer to yoga. I first saw this word on advertisement in Manhattan, of all places, and it seemed fitting. Isn’t New York City just the uncaused cause of all evil? Somewhere in Soho there’s a marketing executive who needs to be stabbed with spoons. Give it 10 years and we’ll be able to get a McGastrotherapy Happy Meal in Minnesota. I need some vodkatherapy.

Pinku eiga (Japanese for “pink film”). In an age when American strippers are asking to be called “erotic dancers,” it’s good to know that some cultures get right down to the point on coital matters. It’s true, what Americans would call pornography, Japanese pornographers call “pink film.” “Yes baby, film.” It’s a genre dating back to the 1960s that includes such classics as Embryo and Go Go Second Time Virgin. But get this: authors of pinku eiga actually regard their work to be politically motivated. Takechi Tetsuji, director of its seminal motion picture Black Snow, said of his movie: “I admit there are many nude scenes in this film, but they are psychological nude scenes symbolizing the defenselessness of the Japanese people in the face of the American invasion.” I don’t buy it, not for a second, Takechi. Hats off to pink film for rallying a few women to “symbolize” defenselessness with double penetration.

Metrosexual (meaning “trendy, superficial straight men ‘in touch’ with their feminine side”). While this word has only recently caught on, it actually dates back to 1994. Writer Mark Simpson coined it in The Independent, also referring to these dubious males as “mirror men.” It’s nice that the expression allows for this phenomenon to be discussed without cluttering the issue with ‘gay’ references and stereotypes. Straight men who hold no prejudice against homosexuals are often left calling other straight men “fags” simply because they are bereft of an appropriate noun (e.g. “Man, I can’t believe Dave got heliotherapy, what a fag.”). We do need a term for men in turtleneck sweaters; they need to be labeled and ostracized. But still there is something that bothers me about this word. It seems a bit too hip, too chic. In fact, there’s almost a certain metrosexual quality to “metrosexual.” I can’t help but feel a deep sense of irony every time I hear it. It won’t last two years. We’re all better off describing the Carson Daly’s of this world as “pretty boys.”

Ze (meaning ‘he or she’). No one wants to stutter “he or she” when speaking of a hypothetical third person. So, though it hasn’t really caught on yet, this gender-neutral preposition is convenient for those who reject “he” to indicate both men and women. Some feminist women and sissy men use “she” to refer to a sexually unspecified person. As a man I am offended by this assumption of gender. I fear it will create a matriarchal society in which women are empowered at the cost of men, and I really don’t think the hooker business can handle such a paradigm shift. And although I’ve always wanted a non-genital-implying term in our language, at this point “ze” just seems like the culmination (hopefully) of this politically correct mess we find our self in. Can’t we fight discrimination with laws and shit? I love the English language and I don’t think it needs to be changed on such a fundamental level. Plus, it’s no fun explaining:

Me: “Hey Bob, who is ze?”

Bob: “What do you mean, ‘ze?’”

Me: “It’s a gender-neutral 3rd person singular preposition, man.”

Bob: “You’re fuckin’ weird dude.”

Me: “I know, but just tell me who that person is.”

I do think, however, that we can use this word to identify people whose gender is unclear, such as Pat, Sam, Jamie and Ty Wetzel ‘06.