Dear Rock Hardy and Fleshy Fox,

I’ve been hanging out with a hot first-year all semester. We talk, we eat at the cafeteria together – I really like him. It’s just that he doesn’t really seem available. It’s not like there are other girls, or any old relationships – he just always seems – involved. With himself. Like, he’s always checking himself out (flexing in front of the mirror, hello) instead of checking me out. Now that the end of the semester is coming up, I’m feeling pressed to tell him that I like him. Just one kiss before the long, barren January break would be nice! How do I get him to notice me, instead of his biceps? How do I get his attention?

Desperately,

Want Good Sex Tonight
 

Dear WGST,

OPTION #1: A. Take a feminist self-defense class!

B. Sing “I’m Gonna Wash That Man Right Out of My Hair” at top volume!

C. Find someone who likes you for who you are!

D. Masturbate!
 

OPTION #2: A. Wear lacy underthings to those cafeteria dinner dates.

B. Twirl hair, giggle, lower eyelashes and compliment, compliment, compliment.

C. Tell him he has good chi. And feng shui. And biceps.

D. Cleavage!
 

OPTION #3: Fox once overheard in the now-defunct Kagin cafeteria: “All these Macalester boys are involved. Not with other girls, but with themselves.” WGST, it’s an old, long-standing problem. And it’s the sad truth. If they ain’t trying to find themselves, then they’re on a spiritual journey. And there’s nothing you can do. The only thing we can guarantee is Option #1, letter D. Best of luck tonight.

Till next time,

The Rock and The Fox