When one thinks about the Midwest, only one thing comes to mind: ROAD TRIPS.

This is obviously because in other parts of the country, there is too much to see when one drives in a car and thus the experience is tainted by regret and shame at not experiencing whatever metropolis or natural wonder you pass. But in the Midwest, with its ample helping of fields, plains and empty space, an early winter road trip is just the thing for bonding with friends. Nothing outside the automobile should distract you from the goings-on inside, and if it does, it is probably something lame like one black cow in a field of brown cows, and it is quickly forgotten. With this tradition of Midwest driving pervading our hopes and dreams, Josh, Helen, Hannah, Peter and I set out from St. Paul to St. Louis for Thanksgiving. This article will be my account of the trip (approximately 20 hours in the car round-trip) with quoted comments from other journeyers when appropriate to illustrate the atmosphere of that particular part of the drive.

It became clear to me as we left Minnesota and began driving through Wisconsin that this was not going to be one of the drives where I sleep the whole time. However, with two new friends in the front seat and lots of humorous conversation to be had, I warmed up with a sweet nap. When I awoke, I found us speeding toward Madison (our destination for the night) through fairly heavy traffic on evergreen-lined 94. The first serious conversation was struck up as we passed a pickup truck whose enclosed bed could barely contain the gutted deer that lay in it. Lord knows there is nothing like waking up in a car to the sight of bleeding flesh, so I began by talking about how I saw an episode of Fear Factor in which the contestants had to eat the penises of different animals, including yak, bull and deer. We theorized as to whether Hannah’s mother would have deer available to eat. Josh: “Do you think Hannah’s mom will fix us deer cock if we ask?” Now, if you know me, you know I do not drink milk. As the conversation naturally meandered to vegetarianism and (also, if you know me, naturally) cannibalism I found that Helen knew much about my reasons for not drinking milk and sympathized. No one, however, would admit to a desire to try human flesh, not even the tiniest taste. I do not believe that they wouldn’t try it, if offered, but they were fairly firm on the point. Peter stood up for the vegetarians, but refused to be drawn into the debate as to the benefits of such a lifestyle. I think we learned a lot about each other, as the Cherokee sped on into the night.

I should take this opportunity to say that not once outside of our destination cities did we make any correct turns. By this I mean that whatever exit we were to get off at, we passed and every local road turn we missed. I would never suggest that this was due to Josh’s driving or Helen’s navigational skills, instead, it was mainly due to the fact that Hannah does not, in fact, live in Sun Prairie, Wisconsin. If Hannah did live in Sun Prairie, we would’ve saved a lot of time.

Upon entering Hannah’s house, we woke up everyone by tromping around in the kitchen. As college students, we weren’t exactly sure how to behave when presented with a clean, beautiful living space, since such a thing cannot really be found at a college. Josh: “Hannah, can I juggle these plates?” Surprisingly, we were tolerated and all of our cravings were satiated in the most generous and hospitable manner possible. We then retired to the basement for a screening of Starship Troopers—Hannah thought that this film might be an allegory or a metaphor or an analogy or something for All Quiet on the Western Front, but that didn’t appear to be the case to me. I overanalyzed the movie in my head, and slept like an infant on the most comfortable bed I’d slept on in months.

Waking again, we left Hannah’s home and continued our journey toward St. Louis. This was Thanksgiving Day, and all the small towns such as Tonica and McLean were fairly dead. Josh was hungry and convinced, however, that we could find a fast-food place that was open. We could not, but he was still convinced. Josh: “Do you guys want to check at Wendy’s? They’ve got to be open … [finding they are closed] … I thought I saw a Hardee’s. I’ve got coupons ” Helen: “Josh, you’re stupid.” Josh:[to me and Peter] “Guys, do you think I’m stupid?” I told Josh that Helen knows him better than I do. Still, he feinted an exit off the highway every time there was a Hardee’s sign. We arrived at home safe and sound. Josh had settled for two hot dogs topped with both disgusting onions and Flamin’ Hot Cheetos.

We left St. Louis about 10 o’clock on Sunday and were happy to be back on the road after a nice weekend at home. Throughout the trip, Josh had been imitating the personality and voice of his Israeli father and soon dubbed Peter “Weed-face.”

Josh (angry Israeli accent): Waaaake up Weeeeed-Face ” When asked whether this was in fact a faithful representation of his father Josh replied “I’m always trying to be as accurate as possible.”

Illinois has toll highways, so every now and then we were required to grind to a halt with the crowds of other holiday travelers. One particular car, a Wisconsonite vehicle driven by a woman called JENNI-B, if her license plate is any indication of her name, kept pace with us for a while. Of course, we acquired an instant obsession about this woman and her Cavalier. We finally pulled ahead of her at one of the no-lane free-for-alls after the toll booth. Josh: “Eat my shorts, JENNI-B ” I took lots of pictures of stopped cars.

Approaching Madison, we missed a bunch of exits and turns, and passed for the second time a building labeled “Datex-Ohmeda.” We wondered what such a corporation might produce, and Josh swore that Hannah’s parents would know. I swore they wouldn’t, and once some terms were agreed upon, a five-dollar bet was placed. As we drew closer to Hannah’s, we could almost taste whatever food she was going to probably have in store. Josh: “We’re going to eat the FUCK out of Hannah’s kitchen ” The first thing Josh did was ask Hannah’s mother what Datex-Ohmeda produced. She had no idea, and my heart soared with the promise of wealth. We entered the home once again, and the scent of Thanksgiving food and burrito ingredients inundated our olfactory organs in the most pleasant moment of the day. The word “companion” is from Latin words meaning “with” and “bread”—companion is literally someone with whom you eat bread. After visiting Hannah’s, I am proud to call Josh, Peter, Hannah and Helen my “comturkeystuffingDovebarg-reenbeansions.”

There was a veritable cornucopia of T-Giving leftovers and some other hippie burrito stuff that I didn’t have any of. Hannah: “I only eat food in burrito form.” I had turkey, stuffing and green beans. Josh lost no time in asking Hannah’s dad what Datex-Ohmeda produced, and he instantly replied “Medical equipment,” (which Josh had predicted) “anesthesia equipment, actually.” Drat. Nothing like more stuffing to make me forget a lost bet, though, so I was in luck. We left with great thanks to the Brooks-Motls, and continued on the final leg of our trip. This part was characterized by solving mystery stories that were on some cards I brought from home. This is a great game to play in the car. After solving a few of the mysteries, we felt really satisfied. Josh: “I wonder if we could get a job with the FBI as a group.”

In between mysteries, conversation rambled to various topics. I have Josh’s quotes recorded, but I can’t imagine what the context must’ve been: “Mike Tyson is SO interesting ” “We should all pretend we don’t know each other, then try to woo each other ” “Psychologists are going to have to pry THAT out of me in about forty years ” “Fuck everybody.” One can only imagine …

In no time at all, we had returned to St. Paul. The journey had been literally unreal, and we were tired. I left the car and bid my friends good-bye. In conclusion, I would recommend that anyone who can manage to take a road trip with Josh and Helen do so at once. I haven’t laughed so hard in a long time. Oh yeah, there were SO many deer corpses.