I have made a startling discovery: I can write. Not in an artistic or poetic way—but in a functional and academic manner. I can translate my ideas into sentences, my sentences into arguments, my arguments into paragraphs and my paragraphs into an overarching thesis.

This may not come as a surprise to many of you. That’s ok, you probably cannot write.

For those of you that are surprised and can write, you know that you are among a select few. You can write substantial papers for class with little, half-assed or no research and still receive a respectable grade. You can pass on your writing skills alone. You receive comments on your returned papers such as “well-written,” “follows a clear thesis,” or “I’m not sure if you should use a semi-colon here.” You know how to properly use semi-colons.

If you are a good writer, use your power wisely. Do not do the reading for class. It’s probably just a waste of time as you can probably write a paper comparable to those that do read for class.

Take offense at bad writing. For instance, I was offended after reading this submission to last week’s Mac Weekly “Letters to the Editor” section: “It appears very much like a stalking horse for difference in general, for more cultural and intellectual diversity and for less dogmatism and tradition.” What the hell does that mean? I think I counted one too many Macalester buzzwords in that sentence to make sense of it.
-Write in an exceedingly clear and concise style. You can write well, rub it in. Think of all of the professors that have to read countless rambling essays about “stalking horses.” The quality of your writing will stick out more and you will be able to do even less reading for class.
-If you are an academic writer, don’t take introduction to creative writing. I took it and was caught with my pants down (semi-colon); busted for my painfully apparent lack of ability to write artistically.
-Our ACTC friends have graciously provided you with an opportunity to boost your grade point average. Take advantage and be sure to tell them you are from Macalester.
-In lieu of this year’s nonexistent Spotlight, I recommend that we start having tons of sex. You can no longer find the name of that cute first-year by frantically flipping through all of the pages. Better to just find out in bed.
-When choosing a roommate, do not decide to live with a close friend. They will sell your relationship for the bigger bedroom.
-You hate reading The Mac Weekly. Every Friday you pick it up in hopes of spending a few quality moments with you thumb on the campus pulse. You are hopelessly disappointed. Where is the controversy (read: Brad Salmen)? What has that meddling MCSG gotten itself into now? How can Macalester become a more environmentally sound campus in 2,000 words or less?
-Underage women’s soccer team members: the Tap now has a bouncer on Wednesday nights. Please do not come.
-Home Video does not have a secret back room full of porn. Do not ask about their frequent porn rental program.
-Do not throw beer at Pat Leo. He will throw beer back at you.
-To Safety & Security: No matter how many times you take my digital picture for smoking pot, streaking campus or swearing at sporting events, I will continue to smoke pot, streak the campus and swear at sporting events.
-Poppy: Thank you for your submission to The Mac Weekly last week. Are you sure you don’t write this column?
-You are not fooling anyone. Skateboarding is in no way an efficient form of transportation. I’ve seen you attempt ollies, kick flips and the occasional rail grind. I’ve also seen you suck.
-The smokers under the link are cooler than you.
-I want a president that has a vision for Macalester. I want a president who sees Macalester as a beacon of hope in an increasingly oppressive and violent world. I want a president that attracts incoming classes that are less conservative than those previous. I want a president that sees his/her opportunity outside of a stuffed-shirt academic think tank.