Dear Mr. Claus,

My name is Clark Wohlferd; I’m currently a senior here at Macalester. In a recent conversation with some friends I let my cynicism get the best of me by criticizing you too harshly. You see, Macalester is a diverse school that opens the eyes of its students to many worldly problems. Seeing as I had not received any presents from you for about ten years or so I felt it necessary to explain what I deem to be a social injustice. But being a good, proactive college student, I thought that rather than complain about my individual problems, I would actually take action to correct the wrongs against the world.

Unfortunately Mr. Claus, I cannot help but be frustrated by the selective nature of the criteria you use in handing out gifts to the children of the world. Although you do it under the auspices of being bad or good, I know I have been good for at least seven of the last ten years. Furthermore, I find the way in which you choose to hand out presents to a small number of children worldwide very troubling. I think a better way would be to judge children by their commitment to core values. For instance, you could use Macalester’s criteria as a starting point: was Johnny really committed to internationalism, multiculturalism, academic excellence and civic engagement this year?

After charging a task force, conducting plenty of surveys, holding focus groups and listening to several student forums, I offer you some constructive solutions to change your socially prejudiced habits in the hopes that everyone will have an enjoyable Dec. 25 this year.

I recommend handing out gifts to every child, not just the Christian ones who celebrate Christmas. It seems that showing favoritism to one religion is contrary to the giving spirit … surely not all non-Christians were bad last year.

I urge you to consider handing out equal numbers of presents to everyone. I’ve done some research and it appears that the children who live in larger houses receive more gifts and more expensive gifts too. My hypothesis is that this is because their chimney is larger and you are returning the favor of easy access; however, it seems unfair to discriminate against a child because he or she cannot afford a large chimney.

Why only give gifts to children? Don’t adults deserve the same gratification from receiving presents? This Christmas I recommend you consider handing out presents to the entire population of the world. That way, the communist underpinnings of your red suit would be more principled.

Perhaps it is time to move on from the reindeer. Although we enjoy the images of Rudolph and friends leading your sleigh, it seems unjust to exploit animals in this way. Your objective of handing out presents to everyone could be better achieved with a jet-propelled sleigh; it would be much faster and the lack of grazing would be environmentally friendly. I urge you to at least ask all nine reindeer to see if they really do want to pull your sleigh.

I also am abhorred by your use of elf labor. Is there any profit sharing system available to the elves? Although your only payment is milk and cookies, do you share it with them? Furthermore, the living conditions of the elves must be substandard considering they are being forced to work in the frigid conditions of the North Pole. Perhaps it is time to move the operation to a warmer climate.

Having seen pictures of your workshop in movies and such, it appears from the chimneys that you commonly use coal or wood to provide heat. I think it’s time for you to use greener energies. I imagine the North Pole generates plenty of wind; some well-placed wind turbines would provide you with all the energy you need. Alliant Energy might even be willing to split the cost

I would also like you to consider the environmental impact of your Christmas decorations. Surely the practice of cutting down trees each year to be put in living rooms is depriving squirrels of their necessary habitats, nevermind the adverse impact hot Christmas lights have on the future growth of tree branches.

Don’t you think you are monopolizing the labor market for the world in regard to elves? I urge you to work in collaboration by sharing your elf workers with both the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy in order to make those events even more special so that this institutionalized labor monopoly is corrected. Moreover, why not adopt an affirmative action plan to incorporate gnomes and dwarves into your production?

Lastly, the good/bad paradigm is just too subjective for a liberal arts student to accept. I request a signed copy of the exact criteria you use to determine who is good and who is bad. If you cannot provide an adequate explanation, please look for a different standard to judge the people of the world. Please take into account our cultural differences. This Westernized, Christian good/bad standard is antiquated because it excludes a global perspective—something necessary for the aforementioned Macalester core of internationalism.

Thank you for your time. You provide the world with a great service, but it seems downright unfair that a selective few get to take part in it. I urge you to take my constructive ideas seriously, if not, my fellow advocates and I may pass a resolution to picket you at various malls next Christmas.

Here’s to a happy holiday season by not taking ourselves so seriously for once.