In a bold new policing policy, Residential Life plans to up the enforcement of existing policies concerning alcohol and create some important new ones.

“We’re very excited about the new anti-fun policy,” claims Res. Life director Sarah Griesse. “I mean, we’re doing good. Very few kids at Mac are currently having any fun in the residence halls, but in an ideal world, there would be absolutely none.” {more}

In an excellent display of investigative journalism, which was not at all like the National Enquirer’s smutty muck-raking, The Mac Weekly has uncovered the new and shocking admission application that President McPherson is proposing to use for next year’s class of applicants.

The Weekly called McPherson to check whether this absurd document was actually true, because we care deeply about truth, objectivity, and journalistic ethics. He replied “Of course it’s true! And by the way, it’s a super-duper fabulous idea to check rumors.” {more}

In the hopes of turning the god-hating Macalester campus into a more halo-friendly environment, Macalester has announced the hiring of respected televangelist Jack Van Impe as a new member in the religious studies department. Best known for his groundbreaking work on the Jack Van Impe Presents television program with his wife and co-anchor Rexella, Van Impe has been spreading serious gospel over the airwaves for many years.

Teaching about the impending rapture and revelations Van Impe has been known to speak directly with God and forecast such impending current events as the “anti-christs’ birth in the European Union” and the fact that “Russia and China will march over Jerusalem.” {more}

Three students were knocked over by light bollards last weekend near Kirk and Bigelow Halls. These occurrences marked the fifth time this year students were damaged by the bollards.

Security has yet to identify the bollards responsible for the assaults. But there was one report of a suspicious light bollard swilling malt liquor and flickering its light bulb late Saturday night. {more}

In MCSG budget allocations this week, the Springfest Committee received $356,408, Queer Union received $5,000.34, Women in Math and Science was awarded $43, and BLAC received $0.67.

Springfest Committee Chair Beth Humphrey ’03 said that they would spend $20,000 hiring a shitty headlining act, and $57 on four Macalester and local bands. The remaining $336,351 would be spent on kind bud. {more}

Wallace Hall was abuzz today with the recent discovery that Macalester student Christopher Cotrell ’04, resident of Portland, Ore., does not smoke marijuana.

Fellow-student reactions ranged from shock to disbelief. “No fucking way!” Joey Garfoni ’05 said. {more}

Two weeks ago, many assumptions were made in a Mac Weekly editorial written about events that have occured on our campus, such as that Macalester students can provide something to the public and that Macalester has a decidedly positive impact on the community. These assumptions I share, but there was a third assumption: receiving and giving rim jobs is a right that undergraduate college students should fight to protect. To all those who believe that assumption, this is an open letter.

“It is unlawful for any person under the age of 21 years to consume butt.” Am I missing something? Was there a meeting that I wasn’t invited to? It’s possible, considering the exclusion I’ve felt at Macalester because I have never performed, nor received a rim job. {more}

As part of what President McPherson’s plan to save the football program at Macalester, athletic director Irv Cross will come out of retirement to play for the team in the 2002 season. Cross’ return will mark the first time he has played since 1970.

"We’re talking about a rebirth of Irv Cross’ foot- career at Macalester," McPherson said in his speech on Nov. 27. {more}