In an excellent display of investigative journalism, which was not at all like the National Enquirer’s smutty muck-raking, The Mac Weekly has uncovered the new and shocking admission application that President McPherson is proposing to use for next year’s class of applicants.

The Weekly called McPherson to check whether this absurd document was actually true, because we care deeply about truth, objectivity, and journalistic ethics. He replied “Of course it’s true! And by the way, it’s a super-duper fabulous idea to check rumors.”

As a service to the Macalester community, The Weekly is providing this special sneak-preview of the scandalous new application. See if you would still be worthy of admission to this fine institution of higher learning.

Please use a #2 pencil, black pen, or crayon to complete this application.

1. Which adjective is most used to describe you? (Please include photo).

a. Russell Crowe-like hot

b. Hot

c. Okay-looking

d. None of the above

2. How would you describe your parents?

a. Wealthy corporate

b. Middle management

c. Recovering hippie

d. None of the above

3. Will your parents help the college “touch the future”? Which of the following buildings would they like named after them?

a. New athletic center

b. Dorms

c. More hippie co-ops

d. None of the above

4. What position would you like on the football team?

a. Quarterback

b. Running Back

c. Water Girl/Boy

d. None of the above

5. Are you male?

a. Yes

b. No

c. None of the above

If yes, please proceed to question 7.

6. Are you willing to become male?

a. Yes

b. No

7. If you have ever been described as a “radical leftist” or someone who would “take over Weyerhaeuser” please discard this application and try applying to a college who is not desperately trying to claw its way up the U.S News’ rankings list. (Top 25, here we come!!)