In the hopes of turning the god-hating Macalester campus into a more halo-friendly environment, Macalester has announced the hiring of respected televangelist Jack Van Impe as a new member in the religious studies department. Best known for his groundbreaking work on the Jack Van Impe Presents television program with his wife and co-anchor Rexella, Van Impe has been spreading serious gospel over the airwaves for many years.

Teaching about the impending rapture and revelations Van Impe has been known to speak directly with God and forecast such impending current events as the “anti-christs’ birth in the European Union” and the fact that “Russia and China will march over Jerusalem.”

Recent national events have found Van Impe on the airwaves explaining a complicated number system in the Bible that predicted a “sky-jacking satanic kill.” He also sells informative videos such as The Seven Mystery Years, and films such as Tribulation, starring Gary Busey, for a reasonable $24.95 donation.

This scholarly approach turned out to be exactly what McPherson felt the spiritually deprived Macalester community needed. “We had been talking with Jerry Falwell for awhile but things were really going nowhere,” McPherson said. “So eventually we got in touch with Van Impe and he was very interested. This is a win-win situation.”

“I’m excited to have him aboard,” said Jim Laine, chair of the department. “We’ve really been missing that spooky fundamentalist side in our curriculum.”

McPherson was excited about the diversity that van Impe would bring to the curriculum. Not only is he deeply religious, but he would be able to integrate Macalester’s multicultural ideals in the classroom.

Van Impe illustrated his commitment to diversity with a story. “The other day I was having my car washed, and the man was very kind to me and I said to him, you must be a Christian, and he said no, my name is Abu, and I am a Muslim, but I love you and I love Jesus.”

Students are excited about Jack’s arrival as well. “I’ve watched his program high every Sunday night for years, I can’t wait to be stoned in one of his classes,” said one junior. “I can’t wait to meet Rexella in person, she seems like such a hottie,” he added. “Aqua-netted hair really turns me on.”