The Mock Weekly

DATE? NOT LATELY … . VOLUME 40 oz . NUMBER 2.3333333 . LINK TO ARCHIVES . MEET THE STAFF

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International Studies to assert hegemony over all other academic departments By THOMAS FRIEDMAN In what many saw as an inevitable turn of events, Provost Dan Hornbach announced that the College would eliminate two of the three pillars that comprise Mockalester's Mission Statement. {more}


Students incur copious sleep debt By YOUR MOM President McPherson revealed that Mockalester faces a 36.8 million hour sleep debt. The debt is carried mainly on the tired, weary shoulders of the student body, assuming about 98 percent of the deficit. {more}


Randy male students find late Spotlight a problem in terms of first-year ass-getting By CLETIDUS HUNT Several Mockalester seniors have complained that they "can't get any first-year ass" this year due to the absence of a Spotlight. "I've been wandering around Doty, man, just trying to hook up! It would be so much easier if I could just sit on my couch and look at their pictures, that way I don't have to bother with the ugly ones," said Brian Dude '03. {more}

Kofi granted honorary sainthood after years of on-campus worship By ALEXA FREELOVE Kofi Annan, Mockalester's most revered alumni, was granted honorary sainthood last week during a ceremony president Mike MockPherson called "a long time in coming." {more}


The po-mo, or the mini: tough presidential choices By WANKY TOSSER Following weeks of breathless anticipation, punctuated by deep feelings of doubt and uncertainty, the Mockalester community took a collective sigh of relief yesterday with the announcement of the candidates for the next college president. {more}

Paper proclaims its elitism

We at The Mock Weekly have received numerous accusations about being elitist, specifically only representing an "extremely small and dwindling clique" of Mockalester students. We here at The Mock Weekly would like to respond to this. {more}

Crusin' in a Caddy: Why we love SUVs

If there's one thing we here at The Mock Weekly love, it's sports utility vehicles. Now, we know all of you goddamn hippies with all of your environmentally friendly fantasies are probably sitting there right now, sipping your soy lattés and saying, "What the fuck, dude? SUVs are so not environmentally friendly." Well, go smoke another one, dude, 'cause we so don't care. All we now is that we look damn fine rolling down Summit Ave. checking out some St. Thomas hotties and grooving to "Area Codes" on our pimped out sound system. {more}

What's-a-matter you, pisano!? Why a-no multiculturalism at Mock?

By GUISEPPE CHICOLINI

Last week, I was-a eating me a nice hot pizza pie when my favorite bambino Mario, he comes in and he's-a all excited. So I puts down my pizza pie and I tella him, Hey Mario! What's-a-matta you? Why you so excited? We gots-a the nice food to eat, Papa, he's-a making di big money with di gelato cart. We's-a two happy boys, no? So what's-a-matta you? {more}

Student protests study abroad discrepancies

By PRINCESS BRETINA of Albania

Junior Jamey Jameson Monday issued a petition to the Study Abroad Office demanding that the office extend its programming from only "going abroad" to include "doing a broad" as well. {more}

Robots a threat to student work study positions

By MR. ROBOTO

Every year, Mockalester College provides incoming students with fairly substantial work study component of their financial aid. Approximately 248 percent of Mock students are employed through the school at any one time. However, recently the qualification of work study students has been brought into question. The problem is so widespread that managers at Café Mock, the library, Physical Plant and other places of student employment have proposed a plan to phase out incompetent student workers. {more}

It's time to lay off Stevie; Gentle words for all y'all nerds

By JAKE THE SNAKE ROBERTS and PETE ROSE

Hey, we all know finals is like playing tennis with Stevie Wonder; it's either hit or miss. You are either Stevie Wonder or his opponent. You are either serving pain or flailing like an idiot. {more}

I like big butts, I mean really small butts in really tight jeans

By ASS LOVERS EVERYWHERE

The extremely tight pants worn by the group of Mockalester students known to many as 'Team J,' which for years have drawn attention from awe-struck male students, now appear to be gaining attention both locally and internationally. {more}

Mock football to face Ramsey; team trains for new foe

By MEL and MARYLOU MULLENBACH

In a surprising move last week, the Mockalester Fighting Scots football team decided to join a new alternative football league. After a close loss to the Ramsey Junior High Junior Varsity football team in their new independent collegiate league, President McPherson announced that the Fighting Scots would be changing its scheduling practices for the second time this year. McPherson alleged "our players just can't compete with the likes of the hard-hitting kids that bring terror to our local retailers." {more}

Men's soccer progresses over a quarter-mile from campus

By PELE

By law, many of them weren't allowed to drink this year—but don't tell that to the men's soccer team.

After two heroic shot-taking performances by keeper Michael Madigan '03, Mockalester advanced the beyond a quarter mile from campus for just the second time in school progressive history. {more}

Opinion editors sweep Mock Weekly footraces

By EMILY ANDERSON

While "The Avocado Pit" and "Quietly …" won't be featured on the front page anytime soon, the Opinion section stepped into the spotlight during the biannual Mock Weekly footraces. {more}

MockPlayers to challenge organized religion in next production

By MATTHEW AQUAINAS

In an artistic decision that's sure to arouse controversy, next semester's MockPlayers production will challenge the concept of organized religion.

Phil Barthelme, '03, will direct Arthur Miller's Death of a Salesman. Barthelme, an economics major and self-described "Miller fanatic" has been excited to tackle the script for years and is even more excited to work with the resources that MockPlayers provides. {more}

The Mock Weekly Band Kicks Some Serious Ass

By Brentina Hecht

With their trademark rocking tunes and rappin' grooves, The Mock Weekly Band Wednesday night tore up an audience of millions in the John B. Davis Lecture Hall.

Lead singer Danielle Maestretti was right on target, hitting perfectly each and every one of her legendary undulating falsettos. {more}

Mock Weekly Staff

Clearly Canadian
Bryanna Longley-Postema

Manage This Biatch
Emily Anderson
Jordan Becker

Today in Russia
Krista Goff
Danielle Langone

Poopies
Danielle Maestretti
Andrew Riely

Sweat Pants and Ponytails
Brianne Harrison
Maura Shramko

Me and My Girlfriend
John Nissenboim

Self(less)ly?
Sarah Peterson
Ben Sachs

Indie Rock-Tastic
Rob van Alstyne

Squirrel Lovers Anonymous
Lifetime Member
Brent Hecht

Our Bitches
Rebecca Dejaelais
Peter Gartrell
Lizzie Tannen

A Nerd Pen
Peter Bartz-Gallagher

MIA
Alex Koles

Heaven is Coming
Anthony Todd

Office "Only on Tuesday Night" Manager
Rob van Alstyne

Three Hits Per Week
Nick Meyer

Mostly to Myself
adre carrington

Top 10 Rejected Student Organizations

10. Mock Isolationists

9. The Anti-Kofi League

8. George W. Bush Fan Club

7. Mockalester-Ramsey Dating Service

6. M0ck Students Against Bagpipes

5. Future Housewives of America

4. Mock Jaywalkers

3. Mockalester Students Against Drug Use (oh, wait...)

2. Philosophy Major Job Search Club

1. Squirrel Fetishes Anonymous

The Mock Weekly is an entirely student-produced publication. The opinions expressed in this document are those of its authors and editors, not of Mockalester College. We're really sorry. Really, really sorry.

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