President McPherson revealed that Mockalester faces a 36.8 million hour sleep debt. The debt is carried mainly on the tired, weary shoulders of the student body, assuming about 98 percent of the deficit.

"The debt is raging out of control," McPherson said. "The students stay up all damn night, and they ruin our U.S. News and World Report rankings. At this rate, we're going to be ranked with DeVry and National American [in the Mall of America]."

The students, upon hearing the announcement, continue to trudge up the library stairs with their 50-pound backpacks and checked out (but only for three hours) laptops, the cords trailing despondently.

"I have to finish my five honors theses, work 40 hours at Dunn Bros., and volunteer at [local women's shelter] La Casa de Esperanza this week," said Jane Smith '03. "I have transcended sleep at this point."

According to the report published this morning by the Task Force on the Sleep Debt (TFSD), this debt represents 20,616 hours of sleep debt accumulated per student this year alone. The Task Force on Coming Up With Ideas to Combat the Sleep Debt (TFCUWICSD) has suggested several options that the school might pursue in order to reduce this sizeable debt.

The first suggestion was to serve alcohol and provide after-dinner joints for consumption in the dining hall, "because we heard alcohol and drugs make people sleep a lot," the report stated. The second suggestion was to replace desks and chairs with couches and loveseats in classrooms. "Instead of 'smart' classrooms, we will have 'chill the fuck out' classrooms," McPherson said.

The Task Force for Implementing the Ideas Articulated by the Task Force on Coming Up With Ideas to Combat the Sleep Debt (TFIIATFCUWICSD) will be putting these ideas into practice pending 45 student, staff and faculty forums and four campus-wide votes on the issue.