Last week, I was-a eating me a nice hot pizza pie when my favorite bambino Mario, he comes in and he's-a all excited. So I puts down my pizza pie and I tella him, Hey Mario! What's-a-matta you? Why you so excited? We gots-a the nice food to eat, Papa, he's-a making di big money with di gelato cart. We's-a two happy boys, no? So what's-a-matta you?

And Mario, da hot little pepperichino, he says-a me, What's-a-matta me? I tell you what's-a-matta! I hear that di Macalester, they's-a got a problem with the multiculturalism.

Mama-mia! I say, itsa no joke?

He says: da multiculturalism its all-a kabloom! Da whiteness, its gotta di over-representation. Di students of-a da color, they donna gotta no voice.

Now, di multiculturalism, itsa always been important to Guiseppe Chicolini. He tell-a you why.

Many years ago, when Guiseppe he come on di boat from-a di Old Country, his papa take-a him on-a his lap and say: Guiseppe Chicolini, you are-a my son, and soon you willa be a man. There are two things a man, he's gotta know. My papa, your grandpapa, he tell-a me dis when I justa small boy, and his-a papa tell him when he justa small boy, and now I tella you! A-one: di woman, she's a bella creature, like-a di earth, and you gotta make love to her nice and-a gentle, just like you plucka di grape! And a-two: the New Country, itsa fulla bella donnas too, and you gotsa make love to dem all!

That's-a when Guiseppe, he first learn about da multiculturalism. And because it was a primo topic for his papa, it's a primo topic for him.

So, I think a' da problem and then I get-a di big idea! I go to signora Joi Lewis and ask-a her, di multiculturalism, what's-a-matta? I pounda my fist, I go little crazy––the problem is-a so big!

She say, Guiseppe, I'sa so gladda you ask! Mockalester, she just-a make a new department, justa for you! Itsa di Department of-a Multicultural Life. We gotsa to integrate di values and-a di ethos of di historically under-represented peoples, discourses, thoughts and-a ideas as a catalyst for-a transforming di traditional ways a' doing di work of di College into a more-a inclusive model.

I say, Santa Maria! You a genius! You's as smart as-a di Pope!

Grazi, she say. Now have-a di bite a' my big-a priscutto sandwich!

So we eat, and it was-a spicy good sandwich. It remind-a Guiseppe Chicolini of di big-a meals his mama make back in di Old Country. Back when my sister Francesca, she sleep-a with Roberto, dat fat pig of a butcher, and my brother Claudio, he say to him, you ugly pig, I kill-a you, I break-a yo' thumbs, I rape-a yo' sheep, I burn-a your fields and I rape-a yo' thumbs! And he did, and so la policia, they go after Claudio and-a my papa, since he donna give-a di mule he promised to Don Bartoli and so we gotta sell-a di farm and move-a to di New Country. And la policia, they donna catch-a my papa or Claudio, even though they bust-a their gugates.

So, Department of-a Multicultural Life, I say: grazi! I wish-a you were one-a big woman so I could-a make love to you all!!!