Lentovsky was impressario extraordinaire for the operettas, vaudevilles, and summer garden theaters frequented by the bourgeoisie. He was also a consummate performer, singing, acting, writing, directing, and producing for the estrada (Russia's vaudeville). Discovered by the great serf actor Mikhail Shchepkin just months before the latter's death, Lentovsky skirted back into the highbrow when he hired the then unknown baritone Fedor Shaliapin for his Hermitage Theater. Nevertheless, Lentovsky seemed content to entertain rather than enlighten.The following sketch burlesques the hoopla surrounding the second of Sarah Bernhardt's three Russian tours. The many asides that characters make to the audience is typical Lentovsky. The sketch was co-authored by L. Guliaev, who helped with the short ditties put to music. Excerpted in Entertaining Tsarist Russia, it is translated in full here from M. Lentovskii, L. Guliaeva. Sarra Bernard, ili bel'etazh No. 2. Vodevil' v dvukh otdeleniiakh (Moscow: Litografiia Kommissionera Obshchestva Russkikh Dramaticheskikh Pisatelei S. F. Razsokhina, 1891).
Viktor Semenovich Panin, a barrister
Olya, Panina's maid
Anna L'vovna, his wife
Mikhail Nikolaevich Ashmetkin, a retired general
Luka Ilich Ptichkin, a minor bureaucrat
Viktor, Panin's manservant
Sophia Pavlovna, his wife and a former actress
The doorman
Kriukov, the manager of the building where the Panins live
Petya Lidin, a young dandy of undetermined means and a friend of Panin's
Schlecht, a musician
The action takes place in Moscow, in the Panins' apartment. Between the first two acts, an hour passes.
The kitchen in the apartment. The clock strikes noon. Viktor andOlya are preparing breakfast. Viktor grasps her hand.
Olya: Stop it, please!
Viktor: Aren't you going to forgive me?
Olya: You haven't earned it.
Viktor: This is what I get for my love? Thanks a lot.
Olya: A fine romance. We know that your brother is a man in wordsonly.
Viktor: This French girl, this Sarah Bernhardt, we just can'tafford her. I think you're just being capricious. Let's say I get aticket to the show. It's not going to be anything special.
Olya: What? You're so uncultured. "Nothing special." So it's youropinion that all Moscow is in a tizzy over nothing?
Viktor (moving toward her): Oh, come on …
Olya: Stay away! After this I won't speak to you any more.
Viktor (recoiling): Oh, you're so spirited … wish you'd findit in your heart. I didn't want to tell you until this evening, Iwanted to surprise you. But, no matter. Listen.
Olya: What now?
Viktor (coyly): I've got the tickets.
Olya (excitedly): Not true?
Viktor: Really. Vasya got four, and gave me two. I got an advanceon my salary and'll pick 'em up today.
Olya (affectedly): I'm so ashamed, I'm making you spend somuch.
Viktor: Enough! I wouldn't deny you anything, least of all money.(The doorbell rings.)
Viktor: Someone's here. Olga Ivanovna, go tell the master. OlgaIvanovna …
Olga (stopping): Yes?
Viktor: Have I a earned a kiss?
Olya (flirtatiously): I guess so. (She offers him her cheek, whichhe kisses, and then leaves.)
Viktor (alone): The first kiss! thank you, Sarah Bernhardt!
(Luka Ilich and Sophia Pavlovna enter.)
Luka Ilich: What couldn't you tear yourself away from? We rang andrang. The cook had to let us in.
Viktor: I'm sorry, I didn't hear you. I was just starting to setthe table …
Luka Ilich: That's okay. (He begins to sing.)
What a dinner they prepared,
What a wine they served,
I'm already …
Sophia Pavlovna: Luka Ilich!
Luka Ilich: Sorry, Sonka. I'm just excited.
Sophia Pavlovna: Silenzio!
Luka Ilich (off to the side, he continues to the audience):
Don't say a word about this,
Quiet! be quiet!
Sophia Pavlovna: Is the master at home?
Viktor: No, he left at ten. But the mistress is, she'sdressing.
Sophia Pavlovna: You can leave. I'll call her when necessary.
(Viktor leaves.)
Sophia Pavlovna (wringing her hands): It's noon. The master isn'thome, the mistress is still dressing. And on such a momentous day,such dreadful desordre!
Luka Ilich: Well, maybe …
Sophia Petrovna: Don't interrupt! No, the words from Tolstoi'stragedy do not describe this household: "The Russian land is big andwide, but still, there's order in it."1
Luka Ilich: Sonka, Tolstoi never said that.
Sophia Pavlovna: Luka Ilich, don't try to argue with me. You likethe "tra-la-la," but I was raised on the classics.
Luka Ilich (to the audience): Don't believe her. She's definitelya fan of the classics, but she's forgotten everything she learned.She gets everything muddled. I'll tell you what's in her head(sings):
Everything dances, dances, dances,
Everything rolls, rolls, rolls.
Sophia Pavlovna (sternly): Are you singing again?
Luka Ilich: Jesus Christ!
Sophia Pavlovna (sitting down in the armchair, posing, speakingdreamily): Oh, yes, today is one of the great days of my life. SarahBernhardt's arrival has invigorated me … I can sense howcompletely her artistic temperament is like mine. This realizationinspires me, gives me strength … she has resurrected my talents.I am painting again. (tenderly) Luka! Mon petit Luka, tell me, wasthat portrait of you I did this morning so bad? Wasn't the likenessstunning!
Luka Ilich (to the audience): Likeness, yes, but to a stray dog,not to me.
Sophia Pavlovna: She has reminded me of my debut. Oh, howdelightfully successful it was. I made my entrance … I wasplaying the role of Ophelia in Mary Stuart.
Luka Ilich (to the audience): What did I tell you about herdisorientation?
Sophia Pavlovna: Imagine … (she stands) The theater waspacked with the cream of society. The stage had been turned into adark forest, mountains on the left, bushes on the right, a river inthe distance, moonlight. A young girl, stunningly beautiful, entersfrom the wings. Me. (She reenacts the scene.) Eyes lowered, I walk tothe footlights and, plucking a flower, begin to sing softly,
He was a stocky fellow in a helmet with a sword,
Old father Danny, he drank beer with gusto.
Luka Ilich (to the audience): She's gone completely crazy.
Sophia Pavlovna: When I walked off the stage I collapsed. I wasbeside myself with joy. The applause and encores didn't stop.
I was in Chukhlom, I swear to you,
It was so elegant, so fine,
The play was wildly successful,
The audience went crazy,
The producer stuck like glue to my hand,
I'm not lying,
Even the chief of police
Sent a carriage for me.
Luka Ilich (to the audience): She's right about that. Everywhereshe debuted, the local government paid for a coach to get her out oftown.
(Anna Lvovna enters.)
Anna Lvovna: Hello, my dear aunt and uncle. Sorry I made youwait.
Sophia Pavlovna: Silenzio! Listen, Anya, this momentous day ispassing quickly, and you have such desordre here!
Anna Lvovna: So what, Auntie? I overslept, and then it took meforever to get dressed.
Sophia Pavlovna: You cannot tease your way out of this one, mygood woman.
Anna Lvovna: Oh, what's your problem, Auntie? … Let's havebreakfast, please. (sits at the table)
Luka Ilich: Breakfast, good idea. Ah, tongue, stuffed chicken,caviar&emdash;
Ah, the smell, the taste of chicken,
Oh, how it entices me …
Sophia Pavlovna: Luka!
Luka Ilich: It's from The Little Creole Girl.1
Anna Lvovna: A little vodka, Uncle?
Luka Ilich: If I might.
Anna Lvovna (pouring): You not only might, you must.
(Viktor enters.)
Anna Lvovna: What do you want?
Viktor: Kriukov, the new building manager, is here to see you.
Anna Lvovna: Ask him to return when the master is home.
Viktor: Certainly. (exits)
Sophia Pavlovna: Don't tell me you're changing apartments again.You're such spendthrifts!
Anna Lvovna: It's not that, Auntie. Yesterday I was at thePetrovskys' and I met our new manager. He told me that he needs thisapartment and suggested another, more comfortable one, in anotherwing. At first I agreed, but then I thought it over and talked toViktor. I sent him a note this morning asking him to discuss it withmy husband.
(Luka Ilich is stuffing his face, coughing, in general eating likea pig.)
Sophia Pavlovna: He'll be the death of me.
Anna Lvovna: So, Auntie, today is the day of days, wonder ofwonders, miracle of miracles.
Sophia Pavlovna (excitedly): Aniushka! I never thought I'd seethis day.
Anna Lvovna: Neither did I! Just imagine, the theater will befull, only the best people there, and we'll walk into loge no. 2.
Sophia Pavlovna: Will be really have that place? It's stillunbelievable.
Anna Lvovna: Believe it. Loge 2, left side. I saw Viktor's ticketsmyself.
Sophia Pavlovna: Heaven. So close to the stage.
Anna Lvovna: I'll be all decked out, in the latest fashion…
Sophia Pavlovna: Me too …
(Luka Ilich snickers.)
Anna Lvovna: During the intermission they won't be able to taketheir binoculars off me …
Sophia Pavlovna: Me neither …
Anna Lvovna: Then suddenly in the aisles I hear, "What an uglyface!"
Sophia Pavlovna (threateningly): They aren't talking about me?
Anna Lvovna: Of course not … about Ashmetkin.
Luka Ilich: Is he coming with us?
Anna Lvovna: Of course. You know how it is with Ashmetkin. Todayhe is sending a letter of recommendation on your behalf to animportant person, and you'll get the position you wanted.
(Panin enters.)
Anna Lvovna (kissing him): Hello, homeless one!
Panin (disturbed): Is that anything to say, dear? Auntie,Uncle!
Anna Lvovna (anxiously): Is anything wrong?
Panin: No, of course not. (quietly to Luka Ilich) Uncle, I have tospeak with you in private.
Anna Lvovna (turning to her aunt and uncle): Today he left at tenand gets home at two. What have you been up to?
Panin: Business.
Anna Lvovna: Not true! Lie! You're cheating on me. Uncle, Auntie,see how unhappy I am. My husband is a barbarian, a tyrant. He runsaway from me to give his kisses to other women.
Panin (losing patience): Enough, Anya.
Anna Lvovna: You, kind sir, are a criminal. Look, a criminal!(baby talk) A criminal, criminal … And like every criminal,you're going to have to stand trial. Uncle, Auntie, you be thelawyers. I'll be the judge. The accused&emdash;sit down.
Panin (sits): Stop being idiotic. This is boring.
Anna Lvovna:
For another, secret passion,
You forgot your wife;
You're being tried for this!
I don't care that jurists form a caste,
I'm going to try you,
You often find each other innocent,
Now try to defend yourself!
Panin: Don't antagonize me.
Anna Lvovna: Maybe you think I'm lonely without you. Not so.Yesterday I was at the Petrovskys, and we had such a wonderful time.I met a wonderful young man there, Kriukov. Educated, interesting… He was after me all evening… such eyes! wavy hair, rosylips, black mustaches&emdash;so handome, much more so than you. Heinvited me to see Sarah Bernhardt this evening.
Panin (angrily): This is intolerable! (Tries to leave.)
Anna Lvovna: Where are you going? I won't let you!
Panin: I can't endure this stupid comedy any longer.
Anna Lvovna (kissing him): Oh no, my dear, my darling. You'reangry, I'm sorry. There, there.
Sophia Pavlovna: What a time to argue! Today must be devoted tothoughts of Sarah Bernhardt.
Panin: Please, no more about her. I'm looking for a corner wherenobody's talking about Sarah Bernhardt. She's pursuing me like adisease, like a bad dream.
Luka Ilich: Yup, my nephew's right. So much money wasted, so muchtrouble to find a seat. And for something phenomenal? A little parleyfransay. Now if it were an operetta …
Sophia Pavlovna: Luka! You're going to kill me with theseoperettas.
(Someone approaches offstage.)
Sophia Pavlovna (poking her head outside): Aniutochka! Someone'shere from Madame Schlecht.
Panin (frightened): What? What's Madame Schlecht doing here?
Sophia Lvovna: She's a seamstress and sent over a dress.
Anna Lvovna: What's the matter with you Viktor? What are you soscared of? Your face is white.
Panin (pulling himself together): Nothing, nothing at all. I wasjust thinking about something else, and then your aunt screamed.
Anna Lvovna: Are you okay?
Panin: I'm okay. It's just all this Sarah Bernhardt business iswearing on my nerves. Now you two leave. I have to speak with youruncle.
(The women leave.)
Panin (pacing nervously): I'm going nuts! Schlecht! PaulinaFedorovna Schlecht, my wife's seamstress! I'm dead!
Luka Ilich: Good Lord, Victor, should I send for a doctor?
Panin: I don't need a doctor, I need a rope! Do you think we'regoing to the theater this evening?
Luka Ilich: Of course. Loge no. 2, left side.
Panin: Do you have the tickets?
Luka Ilich: No, you do.
Panin: I did, but I gave them away. With my own hands. To PaulinaFedorovna Schlecht.
Luka Ilich: The seamstress? How?
Panin: Here's how. When Petya Lidin gave me the tickets, it was inexchange for the promise that I would spend all yesterday evening,his birthday, with him&emdash;celebrating as bachelors, if you catchmy drift… We ended up with a lot of people, quite drunk.Somebody suggested a masquerade.1 Why not? We arrived and started inon more champagne. I don't even remember who brought the woman to ourtable. She was in a mask. We started talking. She knew everythingabout me, my wife's name, the servants, what my apartment lookedlike. I was drunk, not believing that she could know all of this, soI challenged her to a game of truth or dare. Of course I lost.
Luka Ilich: How much? 100 … 200 rubles?
Panin: That would've been nothing. She insisted on the tickets tologe no. 2 that she knew I was holding.
Luka Ilich: And you gave it?
Panin: My buddies kept pressing me, telling me it would bedishonorable not to … my head was pounding something fierce.I've spent all day searching the city for tickets for loge no. 2,right side. Money won't buy those tickets. When my wife finds outthat I gave her seamstress the ticket&emdash;she's flame, and I'mash.
Luka Ilich (rising and leaving): If only I didn't know my wife, ifonly I didn't know my tragedy. Oh, Lord. I'll just have to make herlisten to reason.
(Anna Lvovna enters.)
Panin (tenderly): What do you say, Anya, let's not go to thetheater this evening.
Anna Lvovna: What do you mean, not go, when you've already got thetickets?
Panin: We could sell them for a great profit. And we should startsaving money. Who knows, we might have kids one day.
Anna Lvovna: What absolute nonsense.
Panin (decisively): What if I lost the tickets, or gave itaway?
Anna Lvovna: Then I'd be mad at you for the rest of my life. I'dhate you. I don't know what I'd do if I couldn't see SarahBernhardt.
If I don't see Bernhardt,
You can kiss my love good-bye,
My friend, I'll learn to hate you,
And fall in love with another.
Panin: Anya, what are you saying?
Anna Lvovna: I'm answering a joke with a joke.
(Viktor and announces Lidin and Ashmetkin. They enter, exchangegreetings, kiss Anna Lvovna's hand. Ashmetkin sits next to her.)
Ashmetkin: I congratulate you Anna Lvovna on this gloriousday&emdash;at last you will get to see Sarah Bernhardt.
Lidin: Congratulate me also. Something "superfine delicatesse"happened to me today, too. Just think, an hour ago I was given aticket to one of the loges to see Sarah Bernhardt! Free! There's awoman who's in love with me, and she invited me.
Panin: Loge seats! I'm saved!
Ashmetkin: Merci, Anna Lvovna, merci for letting me sit in theloge with you. Honestly, I'm not much of a fan of the theater …But to see Sarah Bernhardt! In fact, my rank pretty much obligates meto go. I'm retired, but still, for a general not to have seen SarahBernhardt?!
Panin (aside, to Lidin): I hope you'll give me your tickets.
Lidin: Not for anything!
Panin: Save me from a fight with my wife!
Lidin: On the contrary, I'll start the fight. When she learns thatyou don't have the tickets, she'll make a scene. Then I'll step inand offer her mine to the loge. You understand. She'll be verygrateful, and that'll increase my chances with her.
Panin: That's dishonorable.
Lidin: I'm not an honorable guy.
In these times, I tell you straight,
Modesty has been chased away,
There's just one advertisement that reigns supreme,
It enjoys power over everyone.
You can go out in public, take any street you want to,
Everyone's crying about the same thing&emdash;
Fik, pfak, shik, plak, essentials for the ad!
Before her debut, she's handing out pictures to eveyone,
And you can read her biography
In newspaper articles.
Look at the pictures&emdash;How chic her costumes are!
And the newspapers are raising such a fuss!
Fik, pfak, shik, plak, essentials for the ad!
Ashmetkin: You're absolutely right, young man, the ads areimportant, very important.
(Luka Ilich enters. He greets everyone and pulls Panin aside.)
Luka Ilich: We're dead. You don't know the latest scandal. I wentto Madame Schlecht to beg her for the tickets. She insisted shedidn't have it. Lies. I got on my knees. Suddenly the door opened anda man with a folder walked in. He turned out to be her husband, andhow do you think he reacted to a man on his knees in front of hiswife? That German started screaming. I still don't know how I got outof there.
(Schlecht enters.)
Schlecht: 'Scuse me, gentlemen, but I'm lookink vor zombody …(sees Luka Ilich, hiding behind the chair) You tought I wouldn't vindyou, but you left your coat ven you ran away. You insulted my vife,down tere on your knees.
Anna Lvovna (runs to Panin): What's going on?
Panin: For God's sake leave, go to your room.
Anna Lvovna: Let me go. I want to know everything.
Ashmetkin: What's going on?
Schlecht: Your excellency, I didn't know you vere here. You're mybenefactor. You helped me, and now you can help my vife. I'll startfrom te beginnink. Last night I had to vork at a masquerade. I playthe trombone. I took my vife with me. She sat down at a table vitsome guy … (looking closely now at Panin) &emdash; hey, tat'shim! He played a game vit my vife and she won from him a ticket, logeno. 2, left side.
Anna Lvovna: What! You went to a masquerade and lost my ticket!You were drinking, flirting. and gave away my seat! I'll neverforgive you! I'm going to see Sarah Bernhardt. I must tell Kriukov towait for me.
Panin: I won't allow it.
Anna Lvovna: What?! After what you've done? I'll do whatever Iwant. You're a monster, a brute. I hate you! I'm so unhappy.
Ashmetkin (to Luka Ilich): And what kind of a man are? I'm goingto fire you from the position I just arranged for you.
Luka Ilich: I'm found guilty without being guilty!
Panin (to Schlecht): Do you have the tickets with you?
Schlecht: I'm goink to sell it, cheap. I didn't do anytink toearn, got it vree vrom a fool.
Panin: How much?
Schlecht: Ask Paulina Fedorovna.
Ashmetkin: I see now what a laugh you've had at me. Invite me, andthen not take me.
Panin (to Lidin): Get out of here or I'll kill you!
Lidin: I'm not the guilty party, Sarah Bernhardt is.
Anna Lvovna (taking Lidin's arm): Don't go yet, you can accompanyme out. (to Panin) Now I understand why you were so upset all day.You were afraid of being found out. I'll get my revenge, I'll get myrevenge.
(Viktor and Olga enter.)
Panin (to the servants): There you are. Start straighteningup.
Viktor: But Viktor Semenovich, can't we please have the eveningoff to go to the theater?
Panin: What for?
Viktor: To see Sarah Bernhardt.
Panin: Again?! Sarah Bernhardt! Get out of here!
Viktor: Okay, but may I please have my wages.
Luka Ilich (looking out the window): Here comes my wife. Don't lether in.
(Bedlam. Luka Ilich blocks the door, preventing Ashmetkin andSchlecht from leaving, and Sophia Pavlovna from entering. The servantViktor is trying to get his money from the boss Viktor.)
Schlecht: Your husband iss a scoundrel! He vas on his knees invront of my vife, and I'm goink to kill him!
Sophia Pavlovna: What was he doing on his knees to another woman?Open this door!
Panin (to Viktor): Go to hell!
Viktor and Olga: Give us the money!
(Sophia Pavlovna enters from the opposite side of the stage fromwhere the men are struggling with the door. There's also a doorcenter stage. In this scene, the characters are scurrying around tothe various doors, but there is always someone blocking the sundrypeople from leaving.)
Anna Lvovna: Auntie, our husbands have betrayed us. They'veswapped us for the seamstress, given her loge no. 2, right side.
Sophia Pavlovna: Does this mean I don't get to see SarahBernhardt? Oh, Luka! I'll make you answer for everything! Where ishe? I'll get him, kill him, and toss his ashes far away!
Anna Lvovna (exiting): Leave me alone! I never want to see youagain!
Lidin: Thank you, Sarah Bernhardt. You're improving mychances!
(Panin chases his wife, and the servants follow, asking for themoney he owes them. Everyone leaves. Sophia Pavlovna and the doormanare onstage.)
Doorman: No one's come out this way. I've been standing here.
(She runs stage right and left, looking for her husband.)
Sophia Pavlovna (she starts punching the doorman): What are you upto? Sarah Bernhardt has done this to me. Sarah Bernhardt! SarahBernhardt! (She runs off, screaming.)
Doorman: She's crazy, crazy.
(Kriukov is onstage with the doorman.)
Kriukov: Where have they all gone? left the apartment empty likethat? Are you sure you aren't drunk?
Doorman: I never touch the stuff, sir. And it wasn't wine that hadupset them either, but St. Bernard.
Kriukov: A dog?
Doorman: Is St. Bernard a dog? Whatta ya know.
(The doorman exits, and Panin enters.)
Panin (to himself): I barely got her to return home. Now she'slocked herself in her room and is talking about revenge, about howshe's going to go see Sarah Bernhardt with her brunette. If I see him… (sees Kriukov) Who's that?
Kriukov (bowing to him): Excuse me for bothering you …
Panin (to the audience): A brunette, with a mustache. Could thisbe Kriukov?
Kriukov (to the audience): Why's he looking at me so strangely?(to Panin) Allow me to introduce myself.
Panin: Don't bother. I know you. Kriukov, isn't it?
Kriukov: Yes. So Anna Lvovna's told you all about me… She'salready agreed, but wanted to talk it over with you.
Panin (unhappily): If she's already given her consent, I won'tstand in the way of your happiness. Take her.1
Kriukov: I didn't think you'd agree so quickly. I'd heard youreally like her very much.
Panin (bitterly): Like her, don't like her … Until today Inever thought I'd part with her. But when I learned that others, likeyou, were after her …
Kriukov: Me? No, I don't want her for myself. Another man saw herand simply fell in love with her. But this is all secret… If Itake her for myself, it won't be for long. I don't really like herthat much. Besides, I couldn't afford her for long.
She'll be very happy, I give you my word,
This gentleman's rich, he'll feed her well,
He'll make every effort to keep her in style.
When will you let me have her?
Panin: Go to hell! I won't give her up!
Kriukov (to the audience): What a strange guy! (to Panin) What areyou so upset about? If it's too much trouble, just tell me and I'llfind another, better than yours. I have to leave now.
Panin: Where are you off to? We need to talk.
Kriukov: No, I've got to get ready for the theater. SarahBernhardt.
Panin: Who are you going with?
Kriukov: Certainly not alone. Who needs to know?
Panin: Don't be so naive.
Kriukov (to the audience): He certainly is strange. (exiting) Ireally do have to go now.
Panin (following him off): Now the bird is in the cage. My dear,I'm going to make sure that you remember Sarah Bernhardt!
(Lidin enters and sings about jealousy. Then Panin enters.)
Panin: I've locked him in the pantry. He can sit in the dark allevening thinking about Sarah Bernhardt. (to Lidin) What are you doinghere? Snake! Vampire! Get out!
(Panin exits. Luka Ilich and Sophia Pavlovna enter.)
Sophia Pavlovna: I won't agree to your plan. Do you think I'm sosimpleminded that I'll immediately believe in my husband's innocence?Frailty, thy name is man.
Lidin: Why not? There's no evidence against him.
Luka Ilich:
Do without women! Do without women!
That's what the general commanded!
Lidin: Sophia Pavlovna, listen to reason. If Luka Ilich gets theposition he wants, that means a nice salary, and you'll be able tolive quite well. You can go to the theater and see Sarah Bernhardtwhenever you want to. In fact, you'll have such a nice apartment thatyou can live like an aristocrat, and will be able to develop your ownartistic talents. You can draw, paint … charming! You'll livesuch an exotic life. I'm sure that in ten or fifteen years, with theproper advertisments, you, too, will be a universal celebrity, justlike Sarah Bernhardt!
Sophia Pavlovna (ecstatically): Thank you, thank you! Young man,you're right. In fifteen years I'll be a marvelous actress again… I'll agree to your scheme. (extending one hand to each man)Gentlemen, escort this genius to her dressing room!
(They exit. Then Lidin returns with Ashmetkin, who is drunk.)
Ashmetkin: God, I'm drunk, and you got me this way. I know why.I've been serving thirty years. You want me to write a letter ofrecommendation. I can't recommend a man who cheats on his wife! God,I'm drunk.
Lidin: That's no crime. All of Russia drinks.
Ashmetkin: Okay, listen. I'm smashed, but I haven't forgotten yourpromise to show me Sarah Bernhardt. Panin promised me a loge seat,but it turned out he was making fun of me.
Lidin: I promise, this is no joke. That was amisunderstanding.
Ashmetkin: I still can't figure out what she's doing here.
Lidin: It's a secret. Turns out that Sarah Bernhardt needed a goodlawyer, and someone recommended Panin. She's here consulting withhim. (to the audience) Now you've got the joke! (to Ashmetkin) Seehow well I take care of you? And just last week you refused to giveme money. (exits)
Ashmetkin (alone): Boy oh boy. I'm going to get to talk to SarahBernhardt! Oh my God, what language? My French is terrible! Let'ssee, I know the words for boots&emdash;bottes, collar&emdash;collier,shoes&emdash;chaussures … Here she comes! I hope I don'tfaint!
(Sophia Pavlovna enters, moving dramatically. Walks upstage.)
Sophia Pavlovna (to the audience): Don't you think I lookremarkably like Sarah Bernhardt?
Ashmetkin: Madame, you are Sarah Bernhardt?
Sophia Pavlovna: Oui.
Ashmetkin (ecstatically): I'm talking to Sarah Bernhardt!
Sophia Pavlovna: Vous parlez francais?
Ashmetkin: Bottes, chaussures, collier, farine&emdash;flour.
Sophia Pavlovna: O, il est beau joli.
Ashmetkin: Do you speak Russian?
Sophia Pavlovna: Yes. The Russians are such a good people.(beckoning to him) Venez ici.
Ashmetkin (to the audience): Oi, oi. Her eccentric personality isbeginning to show.
Sophia Pavlovna: Are you coming to the theater this evening?
Ashmetkin: I can't, I don't have a ticket.
Sophia Pavlovna: C'est dommage. Never mind. I'll recite amonologue for you here. You'll be my Armand. (She begins anonsensical recitation, mixing French with Russian, that mentionsHamlet and Romeo and Juliet.) Mon general! Je l'adore. Baise main,baise main!
(Luka Ilich, Anna Lvovna, and Lidin enter.)
Luka Ilich: What is this! Your excellency, what are you doing onyour knees!
Ashmetkin: What's so surprising about me on my knees? SarahBernhardt wanted to recite a monologue, and I was playing Armand.
Everyone together: Huh? What Sarah Bernhardt?
Ashmetkin (pointing to Sophia Pavlovna): There she is!
(Everyone starts laughing.)
Luka Ilich: What kind of Sarah Bernhardt is that? it's mywife!
Ashmetkin (to Lidin): Thanks a lot. You told me it was SarahBernhardt. (to Sophia Pavlovna) Why did you trick me?
Sophia Pavlovna: You mistook me for her and I, because I am such agreat actress, played her for you.
Luka Ilich: Well I won't stand for this. You were trying to seducemy wife, to destroy my family. You were on your knees, kissing herhand. I have witnesses, and I'm taking you to court. All Moscow willfind out about this!
Ashmetkin: But it's all a mistake!
Lidin: Come on, Luka Ilich, forgive him. What if he gives you thatletter of recommendation?
Luka Ilich: Not for you, not for anything! (Softening and takingthe letter.) Okay, give it to me. Let's shake hands. Now you must askmy wife for her forgiveness.
(Panin enters.)
Anna Lvovna (throwing herself at him): Viktor, you terrible, evilman! How could you have played such a dirty trick on me?
Panin: Huh? What are you talking about?
Lidin: See how he continues with the joke. Only a very talentedactor could show such surprise. Enough already. I've explained thejoke to Anna Lvovna, about how we plotted the whole thing about themasquerade with Schlecht. (Gives him the tickets.)
Panin: Now what about this brunette you were writing to?
Anna Lvovna: Kriukov, our building manager. I wrote him to discussthe business of changing apartments with you.
Panin: The apartment? (to Lidin) Please let him out of the closetI locked him up in. You're my savior. I'm so grateful to you. Nowwhere did you get these tickets?
Lidin: From Schlecht, the woman who's in love with me.
Anna Lvovna: Oh, Auntie, it's time to start dressing for SarahBernhardt.
Panin: We're certainly all going to remember her!
Anna Lvovna: I will for the trick that was played on me.
Ashmetkin: And for how I was fooled.
Luka Ilich: And I for the letter I got.
Lidin (to the audience): I found out because of her that MadameSchlecht conducts herself sehr schlecht (very disreputably).
Sophia Pavlovna: And I because she gave me the opportunity to dustoff my talents.
Anna Lvovna: Now everyone is satisfied.
Lidin: No, not everyone. (points to the audience) Some of them arestill in doubt.
Anna Lvovna:
Now the actors stand before you,
We have a custom in the theater,
To sing a couplet at the end.
We're in the terrible position
Of not knowing your opinion,
Was it so bad? Tell us truthfully,
We want to know your honest answer,(pointing to the actors assembled onstage)
Look at us here,
Did you enjoy it or not?
1 The title of a renowned play by Nikolai Ostrovsky, a mainstay ofthe Russian repertory.
1 Originally, "The Russian land is big and wide, but still,there's no order in it," from the eleventh-century NestorianChronicle, and more recently the epigraph of A. K. Tolstoy'ssatirical poem, "The History of the Russian State from Gostosmysla toTimashev" (1868).
1 A very popular contemporary song.
1 Masquerades were quite popular in turn-of-the-century Russia;they were often public rather than private parties, and organizerscharged admission.
1 The Russian word for apartment, "kvartira," is feminine. Fromthis point, both Kriukov and Panin are using the pronoun "her," butKriukov is referring to the apartment, while Panin thinks he'sreferring to Anna Lvovna.